Aggression and anger are natural feelings we all have.
They are loud and demanding feelings. In fact they are so loud and
demanding that we often do not hear the more vulnerable need that anger and
aggression are protecting us from feeling. There is no conversation which
aggression improves or need it actually satisfies unless we are sadists or
sociopathic. To get behind the aggression we must slow down and reflect
before choosing our words and actions. Slow down, slow down, sloooow
down. In slowing down we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do
I need?" "What is the quiet feeling behind the
aggression?" When we slow down we can learn to see and be honest
with ourselves and others about our feelings and needs in a way that actually
works. Sometimes when we ask these questions we may be surprised to find
simple physical needs like feeling hungry or tired and the clear ways of
meeting those needs of eating or resting. Other times the need will be of
an emotional nature, for example wanting to feel safe, connected, understood,
or accepted. When we are clear and honest with ourselves about the
need behind the aggression we can begin to seek constructive solutions to
address those needs. Questions like, "How can I speak to this person
in a way that I will allow them to understand me?" "What can I do to
feel connected at this time?" "What do I need to feel
emotionally safe?" help us take care of and be honest with ourselves
and allow us to be honest with others. Honesty demands courage, courage
that is rewarded by feelings of integrity and genuinely connecting with
others.
