Negative and Positive Feedback Loops

While there are many things that contribute to a sense on strain in relationships, one of the highest ranking is the feeling of not being appreciated and acknowledged.  With the busyness of life and our many obligations it is easy to fall into habits that may not make us happy, but allow us to survive day to day.  Getting by is not enough for most people, nor should it be.  We want to feel inspired, connected, engaged, and loved.  One way to put energy back into a relationship system that has been under strain is to start remembering and noticing the things your partner, friend, family member, or child does that you appreciate and to letting them know.  Relationships get stuck in feedback loops.  Defensiveness, irritability, and aggression sustain negative and unfulfilling feedback loops.  We do not have to settle for this.  We can do our part to create positive feedback loops by being decent, kind, patient, and acknowledging and appreciating the positive things people are already doing.  The equation is relatively simple.  To have better relationship do less negative, and damaging things (e.g. acting aggressively, impatiently, stubbornly, defensively, and dismissively), and do more positive things (e.g. showing appreciation, love, understanding, patience, thoughtfulness, listening, and care).  We have a choice of which feedback loops we participate in. I recommend declining invitations to participate in negative feedback loops, and inviting others to participate in positive feedback loops.

Getting on the Same Page

Conflict often happens in the details especially in parenting decisions.  We forget that in all likelihood what we want for our children is on the same page with our partner.  That is, we want our children to feel loved and safe and we want them to develop in a healthy way.  With the busyness and demands of life with children, work, sleep deprivation, and the often depleted appreciation bank, it is easy to be less than our best selves.  To be short with our partners, harsh, or defensive all these bad communication habits are not conducive to solving problems or collaborative decision making.  If you find yourself stuck with your partner in habits that are not working you do not have to stay stuck.  There two steps that can help to get on the same page.  The first is owning our behaviors that are inhibiting the process of working as a team (e.g. being defensive, aggressive, disrespectful, etc.) and consciously making efforts to work as a team.  The second is taking a step back to remember and to remind each other of the large unified goals you have together as parents.

Language of Possibility

The language we use with ourselves and with each other strongly effects how we feel.  When clients use the words “always” and “never” in a session to talk about themselves or their partners it is red flag for me signifying an area in which they are stuck.  It important to remember problems occur in time.  That is, there was a time before the current problem (or sense of being stuck) and there will be a time after it.  Additionally, the use of absolute language such as “always” and “never” rejects the idea that it is possible to change.  The story that is being told using “always” or “never” is just the one that is getting the most attention and causing the most frustration.  It is not the only story.  When we search our minds there are exceptions; times when we or our partner did not do whatever it is we are accusing them or ourselves of “always” or “never” doing.  Even if there are no exceptions in the past change is possible if people seek change.  Things can be done differently in the present and the future.  I strongly believe that as long as people are alive they can change, if change is what they seek.   A simple way to begin is to be aware of the use of absolute language and to try to use more of a language of possibility.  For example, instead of saying, “I can’t ______,” one could say, “I have not yet_____,” or “I find it very difficult to _______.”  We need not limit the stories we live and are creating through static language, when can speak and live a language of change and possibility.

Guilt and Forgiveness

Martin Buber tells a story in Tales of the Hasidim, in which a man goes to a Rabbi and asks, “In this age in which there are no prophets how do we know when our sins are forgiven?”  The Rabbi answers, “We stop committing them.” I find this an incredibly powerful story for addressing guilt.  As I have written many times people are creatures of habit and we generally do not change our patterns until they causes us so much pain that we must.  Our pain tells us something is wrong and we need to do something differently.  It’s evolutionary. We can learn from our pain to stop hurting ourselves and others.  Learning and changing is the gift of forgiveness that Buber addresses in this story.  When we pay attention to the pain we experience and the pain we cause others we are in position stop these ways of acting and being.  We need not continue to suffer and cause suffering once our pain or another’s has awakened us up to habits we are engaging in that are causing the suffering.  In being aware we can turn off autopilot of habit and consciously and intentionally make choices that make life better.