Leaves and Sails

A metaphor I frequently use when working with clients to discuss emotional awareness is: You can be a leaf in the wind or you can be a sailboat. That is, our internal emotional experience (the wind) is happening regardless of whether we are conscious of it or not. If we are not conscious of our emotional process we are a leaf in the wind being blown around by mysterious forces. Awareness in my opinion is 80% of change, the other 20% has to do with intentional choices and the actions those choices yield. As we become more aware of our emotional process we experience that while the wind may be powerful, it has patterns and in knowing them, we can set a course towards healing and growth. We need not be lost at sea nor leaves in the wind. This begs the question, “How can we better develop awareness of our emotional process?”  Journaling is generally recommended when beginning to work with clients. Take some time daily if possible to reflect and write about your emotional experience of the day. What feelings were brought up? What triggered them? What did it remind you of? The act of intentionally taking time to reflect and process with one’s self creates a space where we can begin to learn the patterns of our inner winds.

The Right Direction

Karen McCall in her book, Financial Recovery writes, “Going slowly in the right direction is enormously better than going in the wrong direction at any speed.”  While McCall is speaking specifically about debt reduction and financial health, the sentiment can be applied to any area of life we are working on.  Often when we begin a personal growth project we want to better or perfect immediately.  Whatever the project may be (i.e. anger management, sobriety, improved communication, healthy relationship with money, etc.) if we are working on it, that is being aware and intentional about change in a specific area and taking action, then we are going in the right direction.  Our “bad habits” and self defeating behaviors did not develop overnight and it is unrealistic to think that in simply being aware of them that they will vaporize.  It takes work.  But the work is of an empowering nature because it begs the question, “How can I meet my needs in a healthy way?”  The old “bad habits” are generally speaking just maladaptive efforts to meet basic emotional needs.  Real change, meaning change at a paradigm level happens when we look at our needs directly, acknowledge them, and take action meet them in conscious, healthy, and intentional way.

Overcoming Family Messages

Families by default and some intentionally indoctrinate their children into their ways.  Every family is a microculture.  We are often blind to the powerful influence of our upbringing and the examples set by those living in our households simply because as children we lacked perspective to see that there were and are other ways of being in the world than what was being modeled for us.  As adults we have the freedom to choose how we want to be in the world.  For many of us it is challenge to overcome strong messages expressed both verbally and in action by our families (i.e. “We do not do conflict,” “Your opinion does not matter,” “How you look is more important than how you feel,” “You need to be different than how you are to be loved,” etc.).  These messages have a certain kind of gravity, but if we are aware of them we can decide whether or not we follow their pull.  Being who we want to be in the world is the result of conscious and intentional choices.  We may always hear these messages and feel these pulls, but the messages become quieter and the pulls weaker as we see them for what they are and choose to take actions that lead to the life and relationships we desire.

Killed by Boredom

What a terrible and unnecessary fate for a relationship to be killed by boredom.   Here’s how it works.  Keep having the same conversations and arguments until all the energy is drained from the relationship and it shrivels up and dies.  I am consistently struck by how highly intelligent and creative people often do not use their creativity to work on their relationships.  Instead the approach is akin to the person frustrated by trying to give directions to a tourist who dose speak the language of the land choosing to raise their voice or yell the directions.  No amount of yelling is going to increase the tourist’s understanding.  The problem is the language barrier is preventing understanding.  There are many creative solutions to any problem.  If you find yourself having the same conversations or arguments the first thing is to stop and point it out.  Being able to comment on discourse puts us in a position to change the nature of the discourse.  Use your creativity to generate new material to add to the conversation.  Really listen to your partner to understand them and make them feel heard, instead of defensively figuring out how to dismiss what they are saying.  Being aware and intentional in our speaking and listening puts us in position to break out of unhealthy communication patterns by focusing on understanding, being understood, and connecting instead of unconsciously trying to get our need met through verbal force.