My professional and personal experience has lead me to believe that what people really want is to be heard, understood, loved, and respected. When those basic emotional needs are thwarted people tend to settle for what I consider a very shabby consolation prize of a power struggle. The problem is in a power struggle even when you win you lose because your needs are still not being met. The point is, to move away from the destructive paradigm of the power struggle in which no one ever really wins, and to move towards a paradigm in which the focus is on understanding that allows partners to constructively solve problems together and create the support and safety they seek.
The good news is if neither partner is sociopathic, the chances of getting on the same page are very good. Reason being that connecting with another person and being understood feels much better than being “right” and feeling disconnected.
This sounds like it makes perfect sense to me. I think gender differences make understanding much more difficult, and I think gender differences are not given the importance they deserve.
ReplyDeleteYou are very wise.
ReplyDeleteGender is one of many factors that can make understanding difficult. Some other factors that are extremely influential for most people in terms of understanding are ideas about what is "normal" both from macro culture (America for example) or micro culture (one's family of origin).
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