The Value of Confusion

When clients tell me they feel confused, I generally tell them, “Confusion is wonderful.”  This comment is often met with laughter or a quizzical look.   I go on to explain, “The feeling of confusion tells us we have left the known.”  The known that most of my clients are leaving is the familiar discomfort of unhealthy habits of behavior (i.e. codependent/ enabling relationships, addiction, dysfunctional work environments).   The known often has to do with compulsively acting in certain fear based ways to avoid difficult feelings.  For the codependent this might mean saying, “Yes” to things they may feel are not right for fear of disapproval or abandonment. For the addict, it may mean choosing to numb difficult feelings through drugs and alcohol.  For those in dysfunctional work environments it may mean continuing to “try to make it work” for fear of change.  Our worst decisions are fear based. Fear tells us if we experience certain feelings we actually die. This is not the case.  Nor is this variety of fear based in adult experience.  This variety of fear is derived from childhood experience when we did not have the tools or perspective to take care of ourselves.  As adults we can recognize how our fear based decisions hurt us and others.  We can consciously and intentionally leave this familiar known and bravely step into the realm of honesty and self care.  I often find clients are not really confused they are just experiencing the growing pains of letting go of fear based habits and moving toward honesty and healing.

The Problem of Aggression

There is an expression in the recovery communities, “There is no problem that having a drink won’t make worse.”  In regards to interpersonal communication and relationships it can be stated with the same certainty, “There is no problem that adding aggression to won’t make worse.”  Aggression is a natural response to feeling challenged or threatened.  What does the feeling of aggression really tell us?  It tells us that we do not feel safe and we perceive a need to protect ourselves.  So what do we do when discussing finances, parenting, politics, household chores, or what we should have for dinner and we start to feel aggression? Nothing. Yes, do nothing.  The feeling of aggression tells us to act quickly and severely or we may be killed.  Unless you are in a physically abusive relationship this is not the case.  By taking a moment to not act and ask one’s self, “What do I need?”  we can actually take care of ourselves in ways that at worst are neutral and at best are healing to both people involved.  The question, “What do I need?” creates time and space, most importantly it brings our thinking out of the primal fight or flight zone (lower brain) to the prefrontal cortex (upper brain) where reason, language and problem solving happen.  Aggression’s purpose is to keep us alive.  This is the lowest base line.  To be in healthy relationships with other humans it is not an effective tool when acted on directly.  On the other hand it can be transformative if we stop the roaring diesel train of aggression and begin to look inside the cars.  Who’s in there?  What’s in there?  All feeling convey important information.   For the information to be useful we must reflect before we act.  The question, “What do I need?” is one little tool to decode and transform aggression into something constructive that we can act upon.