A Positive Spin on Arguing

Many people do not enjoy arguing especial with their partner.  In my opinion the ability to upset and be upset by a partner can be seen as a measure of how much energy is in the system.  If you are still getting upset there is still a high level of engagement and connection.  The problem is people become exhausted and frustrated by this type of connection and engagement which leads to avoidance, drift, and apathy.  Many relationships end in the words of T.S. Elliot, “Not with a bang but with a whimper.”  People check out of the relationship.  The energy leaks out of the system.  People get tired of not changing, not being heard, not feeling understood, and respected and naturally begin to avoid theses frustrating situation.  Nothing can be solved through avoidance.  Relationships are living complicated multidimensional systems that demand energy to be sustained.  I advocate for fighting for these connections we hold so dear, in way that supports and enlivens the system.  Show up for the relationship by consciously and intentional using the strong feelings to transform the relationship into something that grows rather than taking the energy away from the system to let it wither.  “Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” writes Dylan Thomas.  While physical death may be inevitable, relationships are of another ilk and can be saved, enlivened, and transformed from a system that is not functioning well and causing pain to system that supports, encourages, and fosters all dimensions of growth.     

Everybody's Got a Mother

As far as I know there is only one way into this life and that is through being born.  In the words of James Brown, “Everybody’s got a mother and you know what I’m talkin’ about.”  In this way we are all the same and all equal. There is only one way in.  This is a human truth that does not depend on any of our subjective judgments based on class, race, religion, political party, career, neighborhood, etc.  Mother’s Day can be an opportunity not only to celebrate and acknowledge the mother’s we know and love, but also remind us of our core humanity that ideally keeps us humble and things in perspective.  

Going Through Hell

Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through Hell keep going.”  From the daily transitions from work to home to the larger life transitions of career  changes, graduations, having children, new relationships, moving etc, our lives are filled with transitions.  New transitions are especially difficult because the unknown frequently causes us anxiety.  In times of difficult transition whatever it may be (sleep deprivation from caring for a new born, divorce, becoming sober) it is important to remember that we possess the resiliency to get through the experience.  The fact is our resiliency has allowed to survive and often thrive through difficult transitions in the past and we can count on it to carry us through now and in the future.  Churchill’s statement is a call to wake up, remember and draw upon our resiliency.  Our “Hell” can be anything that we are struggling with, but he reminds us that it is something that can be passed through.  We do not need to stay in our suffering, we can “keep going” and learn what need to learn to come out on the other side.