An Intentional New Year

One of the problems of living in place like New York is the pace.  It’s fast. And as a result it is very easy to fall into habits from the mere need to try and keep one’s head above the water.  While these habits may get us by day to day they may not be sustainable in the long run.  We may be neglecting ourselves, our partner, or our children.  The logistical demands on time are real.  And for this reason it is only through intentionally blocking out time for ourselves, our partner, and our children that we can seek balance within our demanding urban lives.  How we spend our time outside of work is our choice.  Yes, children have needs, and chores need to be done, but as the adults running the home we can make a plan that works.  A plan in which we take care of ourselves physically, and mentally, where we able to make time to be present with our partner and our children. This does not happen by accident.  It happens with the intention of balance manifesting in a plan that is pursued and modified as needed. 

The Gift of Understanding

One of the problems of long lasting relationships like those with our families of origin, our spouse, or our children is that behaviors and conversations often become routine.  Because of the long history of relatively consistent behavioral and conversational responses we often come to think that we actually know what the other person is thinking.  Unless one is clairvoyant (which most of us aren’t), we do not know what anyone else is thinking unless they explicitly state it.  Why bring this up in series of posts intended to be supportive during the holidays?   I bring it up in hopes that people will engage in new conversations this holiday season.  That instead of assuming one knows the thoughts of another, that they pose their speculations (however well historically founded) as such and ask questions.  In asking questions, owning our own speculation and listening with the intention to understand, dialogue comes into the present.  The present is where we find the connection and understanding we seek.  One of the greatest gifts we can give this holiday season is act in a way that allows ourselves and those we care about to feel connected and understood.

Family Communication

Much holiday dread seems to come from the fear of having to play roles that no longer fit.  That in being with our family of origin we have to play the role they expected of us.  That in spite of all of our personal growth and development as adults since leaving our homes, some of us are still treated as the same younger person we were when we left.  Marianne Williamson writes, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.”  Allow yourself to be yourself.  This is leading by example.  We can be honest and respectful.  In so doing we gives others permission to be themselves.  This is the nature of truly intimate relations.

Be the Change You Want to See

Gandhi stated, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  Why bring up this quote during the holiday season?  Because it my understanding is that much of holiday stress is related to things feeling out of control.  Whether it is related to finical pressures to give gifts, or family pressures to play roles we are no longer comfortable with, there can be a feeling of being imposed upon.  It is up to us as adults to set appropriate boundaries and take care of ourselves.  We cannot control family expectations or pressures, but we can be honest, and decent and respectful; in doing so we stand strong in our integrity.  By consciously taking care of ourselves, we can turn down invitations to play roles that no longer fit. Allowing us to be more honest and present with those we love.  Your greatest gift to yourself and those who surround you is your integrity.  Let it respectfully guide you.

We Can Solve This

Often with our partners we get so wrapped up in our feelings that we lose the ability to find simple and reasonable solutions to basic problems.  From small things like doing the laundry, or leaving the toilet seat up to bigger things like how money is dealt with there is a fair, reasonable, and respectful solution to any problem when partners can collaborate with the goal of solving the problem.  To solve problems we need to allow ourselves to get unmired from all the repetitive, unproductive conversation of the past.  In these stagnant and frustrating conversations the intention of the couple is seldom actually trying to solve the problem; the goals are usually of a lesser nature like punishing, guilting, and attempting to force one’s point of view.  Collaboration is the answer.  By collaborating with goal of creating a system or solution that solves the problem for both partners, couples set themselves up to succeed.   Questions like, “How can we solve this in a way that is fair and supportive to both of us?” generate solutions that both partners can feel good about.

Christmas is at Our Throats

I am told my grandmother used to say, “Christmas is at our throats.”  A sentiment reflecting the dread many people feel around the holidays.  Holidays and visiting family or having family visit or not visiting family and not having family visit can be highly emotional for many reasons including financial stress, memories of loved ones passed, and negative memories of interactions. What the holidays mean to each of us based on our experience and perception effects our feelings about the holidays.  If we are to come through the holidays with our integrity it is essential that we not act like powerless victims.  We have the ability, the intelligence, and the creativity to make a plan that supports our emotional needs.  The old proverb, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” holds true here. You are not trapped as you may have felt as a child.  As an adult it is important to set the boundaries you need and get the support you need to take care of yourself emotionally.  By intentionally having a plan to take care of ourselves, we put ourselves in the best possible position to survive and thrive during the emotionally charged holiday season.