Bring the Woo Back

It’s the season of giving.   Unfortunately for many that equals financial stress or simply irritation with our consumerist culture.  I would like to pose the question this season, “How can you bring woo back into your relationship?”  This involves creatively showing our partners that we think about, understand, love and appreciate them.  Too often in long term relationships people feel taken for granted and this creates distances.  At one point the two of you were strangers.  Then there was some attraction and wooing; that was the beginning the relationship.  Humans are creatures of habit.  We seek routine to feel safe.  Unfortunately routine does not feed our needs for romance, thoughtfulness, and appreciation.  In asking ourselves questions like, “How can I be more loving?” “How can I show more appreciation?”  “How can I be more thoughtful?” and answering these questions by taking appropriate actions we can consciously and intentionally bring romance, woo, and generally positive sentiment back into our relationship.  What could be a better gift?

The F*&%#ing Holidays

Once again the holidays are here.  For some they are a time of joy and gathering.  For many they are a time of stress because of the pressure and expectations of family.  The feelings of obligation to show up and play a role that we were cast in as a child but no longer identify with as an adult can be very frustrating.  The question we need to be asking ourselves to navigate the holidays with integrity is, “How can I be the person I want to be in the world?”  In asking this question we can become mindful and intentional about the way in which we navigate our interactions.  This is a stark contrast to simply acting out as the result of pressure; be it internal or external.  It puts us back in the driver’s seat.  As children we were reacting to the world the adults in our lives surround us with.  As conscious adults we do not need to wait for others to lead, we can choose our own direction and take responsibility for our behavior and emotional well being.  This holiday season I invite you to give yourself the gift of integrity by having a plan to take care of and stay coherent with yourself.  Be decent, loving, kind, and set boundaries.

Self Care

 In busy adult life, urban or not, self care is not something that just happens. What I mean by self care are the ways in which we take care of ourselves through spiritual, exercise, dietary, and creative practices. In the rush of life, with or without children, it is easy to slip into unhealthy routines of passive and toxic consumption (i.e. decompressing by watching television, having a drink, and/or smoking, eating fast food, or whatever is in the house). Unfortunately none of these activities actually recharge us; they just let us tune out for a moment or “not deal”. The fact of the matter is we feel better when we take care of ourselves and to do this requires planning and commitment. Some things in our schedules we cannot change (e.g., work and school schedules), but outside of those we can plan to exercise, do yoga, go to church, practice piano, read, eat in healthy way. In doing these types activities we actively recharge. I recommend starting small. Choose an area in your life that you have been neglecting and give it some attention by carving out time for it twice over the next week. See how you feel. Keep going.

Intention and Communication

Where we are coming from has a huge impact on the type of communication we have with others and the result of that communication. Often people are not aware of their intentions in communicating; they are simply doing what they do out of habit. This is being asleep at the wheel. As with most habits we don’t wake up to them until we have crashed the car. That is, something happens that is so painful that we can no longer continue to do things the same way. Once we wake up we have choices and can be intentional. In regards to communication a couple of habits that do not work for building healthy relationships are focusing on power (e.g. being right or winning) and avoidance (e.g. not addressing things out of fear). Awareness allows us to stay awake when communicating by focusing on our intention. Some examples of constructive intentions are to create understanding, to solve a problem, to create a sense of safety, and to connect. If we have constructive intentions for our communication we need not feel powerless to stop fruitless and even destructive patterns of communication. Whether the needed change is showing up instead of avoiding or stopping power struggles, or both, actions can be taken. The first part is stopping what is not working. The second part is having a different type of conversation, one that invites what we are seeking (i.e. understanding, connection, problem solving, safety). With awareness and intentionality we can not only stop old destructive habits, we can also engage in forms of communication that heal and foster growth. 

Leaves and Sails

A metaphor I frequently use when working with clients to discuss emotional awareness is: You can be a leaf in the wind or you can be a sailboat. That is, our internal emotional experience (the wind) is happening regardless of whether we are conscious of it or not. If we are not conscious of our emotional process we are a leaf in the wind being blown around by mysterious forces. Awareness in my opinion is 80% of change, the other 20% has to do with intentional choices and the actions those choices yield. As we become more aware of our emotional process we experience that while the wind may be powerful, it has patterns and in knowing them, we can set a course towards healing and growth. We need not be lost at sea nor leaves in the wind. This begs the question, “How can we better develop awareness of our emotional process?”  Journaling is generally recommended when beginning to work with clients. Take some time daily if possible to reflect and write about your emotional experience of the day. What feelings were brought up? What triggered them? What did it remind you of? The act of intentionally taking time to reflect and process with one’s self creates a space where we can begin to learn the patterns of our inner winds.

The Right Direction

Karen McCall in her book, Financial Recovery writes, “Going slowly in the right direction is enormously better than going in the wrong direction at any speed.”  While McCall is speaking specifically about debt reduction and financial health, the sentiment can be applied to any area of life we are working on.  Often when we begin a personal growth project we want to better or perfect immediately.  Whatever the project may be (i.e. anger management, sobriety, improved communication, healthy relationship with money, etc.) if we are working on it, that is being aware and intentional about change in a specific area and taking action, then we are going in the right direction.  Our “bad habits” and self defeating behaviors did not develop overnight and it is unrealistic to think that in simply being aware of them that they will vaporize.  It takes work.  But the work is of an empowering nature because it begs the question, “How can I meet my needs in a healthy way?”  The old “bad habits” are generally speaking just maladaptive efforts to meet basic emotional needs.  Real change, meaning change at a paradigm level happens when we look at our needs directly, acknowledge them, and take action meet them in conscious, healthy, and intentional way.

Overcoming Family Messages

Families by default and some intentionally indoctrinate their children into their ways.  Every family is a microculture.  We are often blind to the powerful influence of our upbringing and the examples set by those living in our households simply because as children we lacked perspective to see that there were and are other ways of being in the world than what was being modeled for us.  As adults we have the freedom to choose how we want to be in the world.  For many of us it is challenge to overcome strong messages expressed both verbally and in action by our families (i.e. “We do not do conflict,” “Your opinion does not matter,” “How you look is more important than how you feel,” “You need to be different than how you are to be loved,” etc.).  These messages have a certain kind of gravity, but if we are aware of them we can decide whether or not we follow their pull.  Being who we want to be in the world is the result of conscious and intentional choices.  We may always hear these messages and feel these pulls, but the messages become quieter and the pulls weaker as we see them for what they are and choose to take actions that lead to the life and relationships we desire.

Killed by Boredom

What a terrible and unnecessary fate for a relationship to be killed by boredom.   Here’s how it works.  Keep having the same conversations and arguments until all the energy is drained from the relationship and it shrivels up and dies.  I am consistently struck by how highly intelligent and creative people often do not use their creativity to work on their relationships.  Instead the approach is akin to the person frustrated by trying to give directions to a tourist who dose speak the language of the land choosing to raise their voice or yell the directions.  No amount of yelling is going to increase the tourist’s understanding.  The problem is the language barrier is preventing understanding.  There are many creative solutions to any problem.  If you find yourself having the same conversations or arguments the first thing is to stop and point it out.  Being able to comment on discourse puts us in a position to change the nature of the discourse.  Use your creativity to generate new material to add to the conversation.  Really listen to your partner to understand them and make them feel heard, instead of defensively figuring out how to dismiss what they are saying.  Being aware and intentional in our speaking and listening puts us in position to break out of unhealthy communication patterns by focusing on understanding, being understood, and connecting instead of unconsciously trying to get our need met through verbal force.

The Importance of Action

When discussing with clients new ways of doing things to better meet their needs, the response is often agreement and resistance.  The resistance comes from fear.  The old way has served to protect them from earlier (i.e. childhood, prior relationships, trauma) and even primal fears.  Fears that state if we do the thing we are afraid of (i.e. be ourselves, be honest, be confrontational, be vulnerable, etc.) we will actually die.  That’s how it feels.  The good news is that this is just a feeling.  We don’t die when we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, we heal and grow.  The experience of doing what we are afraid of and surviving reprograms our brain (specifically the amygdala) making it easier the next time.  By taking any intentional action in the directions of the change and healing and surviving we become braver and more comfortable to keep moving in the direction we seek.  Start small.  The comparison I use with clients seeking drastic change is “Let’s say a client has come to therapy to address their claustrophobia, I would not recommend that they immediately try to go to Time Square on New Year’s Eve.”  Take one small action in the direction you seek.  Healing and confidence will follow.  Keep going.

The Power of Honesty

Our old friend fear is so hard to look at squarely.  It gets our heart racing and fogs our mind.  The logic of fear is based on immediate satiation. The fear based methods of seeking safety often are isolating and serve to perpetuate the story it is trying to protect us from.  For example in stories where we see ourselves as a victim to another or depict ourselves as a martyr, while another may be participating in the story, in not confronting the other about the dissatisfaction or doing anything different ourselves, we maintain the story.  As adults we are not powerless in our relationships or to change.  The story of powerless serves to absolve us from facing that which we are afraid of (i.e., abandonment, confrontation, disapproval, etc.).  If we are seeking healing and healthy relationships we must be completely honest with ourselves about our role in maintaining dynamics that do not feel good or right.  Our instincts are good and accurate.  If we do not feel good about how we are being treated or how we are acting, we must take responsibility for taking care of ourselves to do things differently.  We have the power to change and heal if we can be honest with and take responsibility for our own well being.

Thinking and Feeling about Decision Making

When faced with decisions big or small it is useful to take a moment to reflect on how the decision feels.  Generally speaking fear based decisions feel constrictive and lead us to feeling trapped.  There are many other places to make decisions from (i.e. reason, love, pursuit of meaning, etc.) that evoke feelings that range from neutral to inspirational.  Decisions made from the later described place feel expansive and lead to growth.  Fear is not the problem.  Fear is just a feeling, information about feeling unsafe.  It seeks safety in the predictable even if it is consistently unsatisfying.  We make better decisions when we are aware of and honest with ourselves about our feelings.  A simple test is to check in with ourselves in the present by asking “Dose this choices feel constrictive or expansive?”  Choices that feel constrictive maintain the status quo or homeostasis of the system.  Choices that feel expansive lead to dynamic change, healing, and growth.

Beneath and Beyond Anger

Anger is a natural human feeling.  It protects and defends us often aggressively.  It is a loud and strong emotion.  As a result we seem to put great stock in it and give it a lot of attention.  So much so that we often forget to look at or talk about what the anger is protecting and defending.  These are usually softer more vulnerable feelings like sadness and fear.  Anger repels so much so that couples can have a hard time looking each other in the eye.  Eye contact forces us to see our partner as actual person; a person who in all likelihood is suffering in a similar way to us.  When we go beyond and beneath our anger to see and feel our pain and are able to see, hear, and acknowledge the pain beneath our partner’s anger, we enter a space where we can start to connect and heal.  Anger is important as a feeling in that it tells us we feel something is wrong or we feel unsafe.  The work is in figuring out how to take care of selves and be a good partner without being aggressive.  One place to begin is to look beneath the anger and see what it is protecting and to ask your partner to do the same.  In actually hearing each other’s pain and fear we can begin to reconnect.  And in doing this we can leave the destructive path of aggression and enter onto a path of empathic problem solving.

Negative and Positive Feedback Loops

While there are many things that contribute to a sense on strain in relationships, one of the highest ranking is the feeling of not being appreciated and acknowledged.  With the busyness of life and our many obligations it is easy to fall into habits that may not make us happy, but allow us to survive day to day.  Getting by is not enough for most people, nor should it be.  We want to feel inspired, connected, engaged, and loved.  One way to put energy back into a relationship system that has been under strain is to start remembering and noticing the things your partner, friend, family member, or child does that you appreciate and to letting them know.  Relationships get stuck in feedback loops.  Defensiveness, irritability, and aggression sustain negative and unfulfilling feedback loops.  We do not have to settle for this.  We can do our part to create positive feedback loops by being decent, kind, patient, and acknowledging and appreciating the positive things people are already doing.  The equation is relatively simple.  To have better relationship do less negative, and damaging things (e.g. acting aggressively, impatiently, stubbornly, defensively, and dismissively), and do more positive things (e.g. showing appreciation, love, understanding, patience, thoughtfulness, listening, and care).  We have a choice of which feedback loops we participate in. I recommend declining invitations to participate in negative feedback loops, and inviting others to participate in positive feedback loops.

Getting on the Same Page

Conflict often happens in the details especially in parenting decisions.  We forget that in all likelihood what we want for our children is on the same page with our partner.  That is, we want our children to feel loved and safe and we want them to develop in a healthy way.  With the busyness and demands of life with children, work, sleep deprivation, and the often depleted appreciation bank, it is easy to be less than our best selves.  To be short with our partners, harsh, or defensive all these bad communication habits are not conducive to solving problems or collaborative decision making.  If you find yourself stuck with your partner in habits that are not working you do not have to stay stuck.  There two steps that can help to get on the same page.  The first is owning our behaviors that are inhibiting the process of working as a team (e.g. being defensive, aggressive, disrespectful, etc.) and consciously making efforts to work as a team.  The second is taking a step back to remember and to remind each other of the large unified goals you have together as parents.

Language of Possibility

The language we use with ourselves and with each other strongly effects how we feel.  When clients use the words “always” and “never” in a session to talk about themselves or their partners it is red flag for me signifying an area in which they are stuck.  It important to remember problems occur in time.  That is, there was a time before the current problem (or sense of being stuck) and there will be a time after it.  Additionally, the use of absolute language such as “always” and “never” rejects the idea that it is possible to change.  The story that is being told using “always” or “never” is just the one that is getting the most attention and causing the most frustration.  It is not the only story.  When we search our minds there are exceptions; times when we or our partner did not do whatever it is we are accusing them or ourselves of “always” or “never” doing.  Even if there are no exceptions in the past change is possible if people seek change.  Things can be done differently in the present and the future.  I strongly believe that as long as people are alive they can change, if change is what they seek.   A simple way to begin is to be aware of the use of absolute language and to try to use more of a language of possibility.  For example, instead of saying, “I can’t ______,” one could say, “I have not yet_____,” or “I find it very difficult to _______.”  We need not limit the stories we live and are creating through static language, when can speak and live a language of change and possibility.

Guilt and Forgiveness

Martin Buber tells a story in Tales of the Hasidim, in which a man goes to a Rabbi and asks, “In this age in which there are no prophets how do we know when our sins are forgiven?”  The Rabbi answers, “We stop committing them.” I find this an incredibly powerful story for addressing guilt.  As I have written many times people are creatures of habit and we generally do not change our patterns until they causes us so much pain that we must.  Our pain tells us something is wrong and we need to do something differently.  It’s evolutionary. We can learn from our pain to stop hurting ourselves and others.  Learning and changing is the gift of forgiveness that Buber addresses in this story.  When we pay attention to the pain we experience and the pain we cause others we are in position stop these ways of acting and being.  We need not continue to suffer and cause suffering once our pain or another’s has awakened us up to habits we are engaging in that are causing the suffering.  In being aware we can turn off autopilot of habit and consciously and intentionally make choices that make life better.

The Most Dangerous Idea

Émile Auguste Chartier writes (in French), “Nothing is more dangerous than an idea, when it's the only one we have.” What seems to trap us is our perspective, dogmas, and rigidity.  We forget the strange old expression that “there is more than one way to skin a cat.”  By limiting our creativity and perspective we limit our ability to solve problems (be it cat skinning or any other project).  We have the creativity and intelligence to solve our problems once we see that it is our attachment doing things the same way (even when it is no longer working) that is keeping us trapped.  There is always another way of solving a problem.  If you feel trapped try to take a step back to observe the habit or pattern.  Then try something different.  You know the results doing things the same way.  Any positive effort is a step in the right direction and the beginning of the change you seek.

Slow Down!

Too often we get ourselves in positions we regret as the result of rushing or responding with a disproportionate sense of urgency.  Most of us who are not doctors or emergency medical techincians are not making decisions that are matters of life and death.  When we get upset and our heart rate gets up our primal brain thinks we are in fact in a life threatening situation.  Responses from this state of mind are fight or flight; what is said and done is done with aggression and/or fear.   Our fight or flight instincts that helped us survive as cavemen and keep us from getting hit by cabs unfortunately do not help us to be understood or develop the relationships we desire.  Allowing ourselves to be understood requires that we take the time and space we need to become calm and clear.  When we are calm and clear we can discuss our feeling and needs in way that is respectful and constructive to our relationships.  Understanding does not happen through force, aggression, or avoidance.  It is invited when we create a sense of safety by demonstrating calmness, clarity, patience and a respectful desire to be understood and understand one another.

Staying in Character

Don’t be mean (i.e., yelling, cursing, nagging, or any the infinite number of non-constructive ways of aggressively or passive aggressively expressing anger).  I’m serious, it does not work.  There is an interesting expression that is part of our vernacular that people use to describe when they are upset and act out of anger. They say “He (or she) took me out of my character.”  The expression addresses that we have a common view of ourselves as decent, patient, intelligent, and loving, and that when we get upset and act of anger it is not coherent with how we see our core identity.  If you are not sociopathic it does not feel good to treat others disrespectfully.  We may feel justified in acting out of anger, but we do not feel good.  Perhaps the only thing we control in life is our own actions.  If we are to feel good about ourselves we must take full responsibility for the actions we take and take actions that are in line with how we see ourselves and the lives and relationships we want to build and sustain.  By staying in character and being our best and most decent self we do our part and need not continue to experience the regret and remorse of acting out of anger.

The Problem of Not Talking About It

Our mind spins endless narratives to explain the world and the people that surround us.  Too often in relationships when things have soured and the participants in the relationship are avoiding one another, all they are left with is a monologue that supports a case they are building against the other who has offended, upset, hurt or angered them.  People become very attached to these stories.  So much so that it not uncommon for me to hear in couples sessions one or both partners expressing the belief that they know their partner better than the partner knows themselves.  This is never the case.  The only person’s process and feelings that we will ever directly know in full and complete detail is our own.  Often helping relationships get unstuck has to with helping to bring the participants into dialogue in the present.  This has several components. Part one addresses the here and now:   Being aware of, owning, and being honest about one’s feelings.  And being able to listen, and allow the other the space to have their feelings, and to trust they are expressing the truth as they experience it. Part two addresses the unpacking of the cases that have been built during the period of avoidance.  I ask clients to own the cases they have built as the speculations they are (even if well founded in relationship history), and to pose the speculation as a question.  This takes the case out of the static monologue state and into the present where partners can dynamically engage and come to the understanding they seek.  In these discussions it frequently becomes clear the gap in understanding lies between the intention of one person and the interpretation of the other.  Dialogue is the bridge to understanding.  I can say with high probability, "If you don't talk about it. It won't change."  Be brave, honest and respectful. You can not only get unstuck, but you can transform your relationship.

Buds and Blossoms

Our instincts are generally correct in guiding us to the changes we need to lead healthier, more balanced, creative, connected, and loving lives, and yet the gravity of our habits of living and our fear of the unknown compel us not to.  That is, until we reach point in our lives beautifully described by Anis Nin, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  We know when we are ready to change.  Often it when we realize that the pain of not changing is worse than the fear of the unknown that we choose to cross that threshold.  Most of us are buds in some areas of our lives and blossoms in other.  Be brave and keep blooming.

Awareness and Space to Grow and Heal

Many of our strong feelings are rooted in our efforts to make sense of the world from when we were children.  Child logic is largely egocentric.  That is, we perceived ourselves as the cause of the things that happened in our lives; others’ behaviors (especially our parents) were perceived as responding to us.  Especially with young children there is no sense of others’ motivation being not related to them.  Understanding this is important both in understanding our internal process and in being conscious parents.  The child’s notion of, “If I were better or different this would not be happening” is incredibly powerful.  Whether the “this” is divorce, separation, witnessing parents fight or a host of other lesser negative experiences, children are the center of their narrative universe, and as such experience themselves as the cause of whatever is happening.  What we do not understand as children is that everyone is bringing their own history and process to every situation and that all too often adults are unconsciously playing out material from their childhood and prior relationships.  So what can we do to decrease suffering for ourselves and for our children?   There are in my opinion two major components: The first is becoming aware of our own internal process, and owning it and our behavior.  The second is giving others (our children, siblings, friends, partners, colleagues, whoever) the respect and space to acknowledge that they have their own, history, process and preferences.  We are responsible for our actions, we not the alpha and omega of everyone else’s experience.

A Positive Spin on Arguing

Many people do not enjoy arguing especial with their partner.  In my opinion the ability to upset and be upset by a partner can be seen as a measure of how much energy is in the system.  If you are still getting upset there is still a high level of engagement and connection.  The problem is people become exhausted and frustrated by this type of connection and engagement which leads to avoidance, drift, and apathy.  Many relationships end in the words of T.S. Elliot, “Not with a bang but with a whimper.”  People check out of the relationship.  The energy leaks out of the system.  People get tired of not changing, not being heard, not feeling understood, and respected and naturally begin to avoid theses frustrating situation.  Nothing can be solved through avoidance.  Relationships are living complicated multidimensional systems that demand energy to be sustained.  I advocate for fighting for these connections we hold so dear, in way that supports and enlivens the system.  Show up for the relationship by consciously and intentional using the strong feelings to transform the relationship into something that grows rather than taking the energy away from the system to let it wither.  “Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” writes Dylan Thomas.  While physical death may be inevitable, relationships are of another ilk and can be saved, enlivened, and transformed from a system that is not functioning well and causing pain to system that supports, encourages, and fosters all dimensions of growth.     

Everybody's Got a Mother

As far as I know there is only one way into this life and that is through being born.  In the words of James Brown, “Everybody’s got a mother and you know what I’m talkin’ about.”  In this way we are all the same and all equal. There is only one way in.  This is a human truth that does not depend on any of our subjective judgments based on class, race, religion, political party, career, neighborhood, etc.  Mother’s Day can be an opportunity not only to celebrate and acknowledge the mother’s we know and love, but also remind us of our core humanity that ideally keeps us humble and things in perspective.  

Going Through Hell

Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through Hell keep going.”  From the daily transitions from work to home to the larger life transitions of career  changes, graduations, having children, new relationships, moving etc, our lives are filled with transitions.  New transitions are especially difficult because the unknown frequently causes us anxiety.  In times of difficult transition whatever it may be (sleep deprivation from caring for a new born, divorce, becoming sober) it is important to remember that we possess the resiliency to get through the experience.  The fact is our resiliency has allowed to survive and often thrive through difficult transitions in the past and we can count on it to carry us through now and in the future.  Churchill’s statement is a call to wake up, remember and draw upon our resiliency.  Our “Hell” can be anything that we are struggling with, but he reminds us that it is something that can be passed through.  We do not need to stay in our suffering, we can “keep going” and learn what need to learn to come out on the other side. 

Unexpressed Anger

Resentment is one of the number one killers of relationships.  Unexpressed feelings of anger and irritation fester and grow like a cancer in the relationship creating a lens of negativity through which the relationship becomes viewed.  A healthy relationship is not one without conflict or anger (both are natural and normal experiences) it one in which each partner feels understood and supported.  There are many reasons people choose resentment over honesty and being forth coming.  Some of the most common are fear abandonment, fear of the other’s anger or reaction, and replicating family patterns of not expressing difficult feelings.  Regardless of the motivation, avoidance of addressing difficult feelings like anger prevents potential healing dialogue and behavioral changes.  Being able to express one’s feeling with the goal of being understood (not punishing) is one of the essential keys to a healthy relationship.  We owe it to ourselves and our partners to be honest in a respectful way that allows them to understand us.  They cannot read our minds.  As seductive as the fantasy of having a partner that intuitively knows all our feelings and how to soothe us is, attempting to act out this fantasy consistently yields the result of resentment.  We are no longer preverbal infants waiting for a parent to soothe us with food, a diaper change and holding, unable to express or meet our own needs.  We are adults capable of owning our feeling and needs and able to care of ourselves in a healthy way.  One essential form of self care is the respectful expression of difficult feelings to the end of understanding and problem solving.

Knowing Where We’re Coming From

When making decisions it very important to consider where we are coming from.  That is, knowing what is the underlying feeling that is propelling our decision. One way to assess where we are coming from is to ask our self, “Dose this choice feel expansive or contractive?” Choices based in fear feel contractive, and generally speaking keep us small and stuck, even if they feel safe.  Choices based on love, connection, creativity, compassion, empathy and understanding feel expansive and vast.  In trying to create the lives and relationships we want we need to be coming from an expansive and positive position even if it is scary and unfamiliar.  There is nothing wrong with being afraid; however, if we make choices based on fear we will get the same unsatisfying results:  The safety of familiar suffering.  We need not settle for this.  We can have the lives and relationships we seek by bravely pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone to expand into the realms of vastness, creativity, and love.

Raising the Bar

I have found personally and professionally that people are largely creatures of habit who will continue to engage in consistent routines of thought, behavior, and feelings until we are in so much pain that we can no longer continue with the old routine. This seems to be a large part of the human learning curve.  It is as if we are asleep at the wheel of our lives and do not wake up until we crash the car.  Fortunately most of the casualties of living an unconscious life are not fatal only painful.  When we have finally have had enough of the familiar and safe suffering of repetition, we become ready to make changes that push us out of our comfort zone.  We wake up and now are in a position to be intentional about our life choices.  A bar raising question that can help us to wake up without crashing the car is, “What kind of life and relationships do I want my child(ren) to have and am I living that example?”  It does not matter whether you have children or not to ask this question.  I found every time I have asked this question to a client whether they had children or not that the type of decent, ethical, respectful, loving, balanced lives that they described were of higher standard than what they were living and helped to create a vision worth working toward.