The Problem of Not Talking About It

Our mind spins endless narratives to explain the world and the people that surround us.  Too often in relationships when things have soured and the participants in the relationship are avoiding one another, all they are left with is a monologue that supports a case they are building against the other who has offended, upset, hurt or angered them.  People become very attached to these stories.  So much so that it not uncommon for me to hear in couples sessions one or both partners expressing the belief that they know their partner better than the partner knows themselves.  This is never the case.  The only person’s process and feelings that we will ever directly know in full and complete detail is our own.  Often helping relationships get unstuck has to with helping to bring the participants into dialogue in the present.  This has several components. Part one addresses the here and now:   Being aware of, owning, and being honest about one’s feelings.  And being able to listen, and allow the other the space to have their feelings, and to trust they are expressing the truth as they experience it. Part two addresses the unpacking of the cases that have been built during the period of avoidance.  I ask clients to own the cases they have built as the speculations they are (even if well founded in relationship history), and to pose the speculation as a question.  This takes the case out of the static monologue state and into the present where partners can dynamically engage and come to the understanding they seek.  In these discussions it frequently becomes clear the gap in understanding lies between the intention of one person and the interpretation of the other.  Dialogue is the bridge to understanding.  I can say with high probability, "If you don't talk about it. It won't change."  Be brave, honest and respectful. You can not only get unstuck, but you can transform your relationship.

Buds and Blossoms

Our instincts are generally correct in guiding us to the changes we need to lead healthier, more balanced, creative, connected, and loving lives, and yet the gravity of our habits of living and our fear of the unknown compel us not to.  That is, until we reach point in our lives beautifully described by Anis Nin, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  We know when we are ready to change.  Often it when we realize that the pain of not changing is worse than the fear of the unknown that we choose to cross that threshold.  Most of us are buds in some areas of our lives and blossoms in other.  Be brave and keep blooming.

Awareness and Space to Grow and Heal

Many of our strong feelings are rooted in our efforts to make sense of the world from when we were children.  Child logic is largely egocentric.  That is, we perceived ourselves as the cause of the things that happened in our lives; others’ behaviors (especially our parents) were perceived as responding to us.  Especially with young children there is no sense of others’ motivation being not related to them.  Understanding this is important both in understanding our internal process and in being conscious parents.  The child’s notion of, “If I were better or different this would not be happening” is incredibly powerful.  Whether the “this” is divorce, separation, witnessing parents fight or a host of other lesser negative experiences, children are the center of their narrative universe, and as such experience themselves as the cause of whatever is happening.  What we do not understand as children is that everyone is bringing their own history and process to every situation and that all too often adults are unconsciously playing out material from their childhood and prior relationships.  So what can we do to decrease suffering for ourselves and for our children?   There are in my opinion two major components: The first is becoming aware of our own internal process, and owning it and our behavior.  The second is giving others (our children, siblings, friends, partners, colleagues, whoever) the respect and space to acknowledge that they have their own, history, process and preferences.  We are responsible for our actions, we not the alpha and omega of everyone else’s experience.