Avoidance and Honesty

Sometimes partners avoid certain difficult conversation or refrain from being honest because of wanting to please the other or fear of hurting the other's feelings.  Whenever we engage in avoidance we are setting the situation up to stay the same or fail.  The result of avoided conversations or conversation where we are not honest about our wants and needs is generally dissatisfaction for both partners.  Faking it does not work in the long run because it creates resentment.  We can be honest and respectful in owning our feelings and needs. We can listen to our partner's feelings and needs. And we can parse out ways we need to take care of ourselves from ways we can learn to improve our problem solving as a partnership.  The key is being honest with ourselves and then showing up for our partner by being honest.

How Do We Listen When We Listen?

One of the essential healing elements in working with trauma cases is listening to the person’s story, listening to their pain and taking the story and the pain seriously. Often when abuse happens within a family or relationship there is a tendency for the family or partner to minimize, dismiss, or somehow excuse the situation.  It is my understanding that the causes of theses minimizing behaviors are at least two fold.  The first is being fearful of being uncomfortable to really listen to another person’s pain.  The second is related to denial, due to shame of either causing the suffering or not stopping the suffering the other experienced.  While trauma cases are extreme by their nature of violence, neglect, and verbal and emotional abuse, it has become clear to me as a professional in the mental health field that one of our basic needs as people in relationships is to be heard and taken seriously.  This begs the question, “How can I listen better?”  An excellent starting place is to listen in the way that you that you want to be heard.  If we want our partners, family members, or colleagues to listen to us in non-defensive, non-judgmental, open minded way, we must do our part to create that environment by listening to them as such. I am in no way excusing any form of abusive behavior.  The purpose of this piece is begin facilitating healing in relationships by attempting to shine light on the way we listen.

How’s That Working for You?

We all at one point in our lives have engaged in some habit(s) that did not work for us.  The list is long. Some of the most popular are avoidance, procrastination, addiction and aggression.  These habits formed to protect us emotionally in some way and as a result we become attached to them.  At some level they worked.  But for most of us there comes a time when they stop working.  That is, the habit that once served to protect us emotionally now is preventing us from having the relationships and life we desire.  Now what?  The solution has at least two parts: The first part is being aware of the old messages and urges and seeing them for what they are.  The second part is making a conscious choice as whether to engage in that old habit or to do something different, something that dose work for us now.  I quit smoking many years ago, yet to this day when I get upset one of the first things I want to do is have a cigarette.  I listen to the message under the urge which is generally, “I don’t want to feel this unpleasant feeling,” and choose not to smoke.  Instead I process by reflecting on what going on by taking a long walk, journaling, or seeking support.  The point is, it’s not about not having unhealthy messages or urges, it’s about seeing them for what they are and making choices that fit with our lives now and the lives and relationships we are trying to create.