Letters

 3/13/13

I'm writing to you because I came across your blog researching anger management and you welcomed questions.

My husband of 13 yrs seems to have spiraled into a serious anger, anxiety, depression problem.  Most days he wakes up pissed off at everything.  I don't know how much of this negativity i can take anymore but he seems to see his anger as justified because of recent chain of events.
We had an accessories company together for the past 10 years but it has come to a stop because its not financially viable.  He's been looking for work the past two years to no avail.  The hurricane last October flooded our basement apartment so we just finished renovating but we decided to not move back because of construction about to begin next door.  We have been living in a studio apartment for the last four months with our three year old daughter.
The guy has never been hunky dory, but these days he will get into rage fits where It will take him a long time to calm down and he's punching walls, counter tops, slamming doors during his rampage.  He often speaks of his bad luck which I feel he creates half the time.  We are due to move into a two bedroom rental in brooklyn end of the month but I don't think he will be happy. I feel he has issues that needs to be addressed but he believes he can fix himself and that he just needs to change his environment or situation.  But I feel his behavior and negativity stems him from real change.
What can I do to make him see that he needs help and he has to make time to seek help.  Any suggestions I have these days are viewed as threats or not what he wants to hear so suggesting he needs to see someone will only illicit a "maybe you should see someone" response or you're the one who's making me angry.  Bottom line, I'm tired of being the excuse but don't know how to get him to seek help.  I'm also tired of being around a downer when I'm more happy go lucky type person.  What can I do?

A

3/14/13

Dear A,

The old joke in the field of mental health is, “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?” and the answer is “None. The light bulb has to want to change.” The point is for people to change they have to want it for themselves.  Clearly from your story you have been through some difficult times.  The difference between you and your husband seems to be that he feels he is victim of bad luck, or blames you for his mood.  He seems to be feeling powerless and then acting out in frustration, waiting for things to get better.  No one is powerless.  Malcolm X found his real freedom while in prison; freedom of the mind.  Clearly, your husband feels defensive when you suggest he get help.  You ask, “What can I do to make him see he needs help?”  He is probably looking for support, understanding and empathy from you.  Perhaps a more constructive approach would be to begin by showing him some compassion, empathy, and understanding, and then ask him how he feels about the way he has been acting.  My guess is even if he feels justified he most likely also feels some embarrassment or shame about the way he has been losing his cool.  You can sympathize with his feelings and at the same time say that the way he acts is not ok for you or as a way to act around your daughter.  It’s ok to be angry, it not ok to punch walls, counters, slam doors, and if needs help changing this behavior that is not working for him or anyone else in the house he can and should get it.

It is difficult to be with someone who is in a slump and has not yet figured out how to get unstuck.  Another suggestion is to frame the issue of getting help in empathy and compassion, “You seem pretty unhappy these days, and I want you to feel better both for you and for our family.  I don’t know how to help you, but I’m willing help you find someone professional to talk to.”  Hopefully either one the above suggestion will help him get the help he needs to get unstuck in mood and behavior.  In the mean time it is important that you take care of yourself and get the support you need from your friends, family, or from a professional. In taking responsibility for and taking care of yourself and your moods, not only will you feel better but you are leading by example.  When you are doing your best you have nothing to regret.

All the best,

Michael Stiglitz, LMFT