Understanding Our Understanding

Dr. Steven Pinker writes, “People hold many beliefs that are at odds with their experience but were true in the environment in which we evolved, and they pursue goals that subvert their own well-being but were adaptive in that environment.” (How the Mind Works, p.32).  While, the context of this quote is Pinker beginning to frame an evolutionary explanation of the human mind, it seems equally applicable to the personal everyday process of psychotherapy.

That is, generally we seek therapeutic help when our way of doings things becomes too painful or stops making sense to us.  Through the therapeutic process we seek to understand the context in which beliefs and their corresponding actions have arisen.  These beliefs and actions were adaptive to the emotional and in many cases physical survival of childhood.   It worked.  We survived.  

Pain emotional or physical is information.  It tells us, “Something is wrong.”  By coming to understand the adaptive origins of our beliefs and actions, we can make sense when feelings or actions are not in proportion to our current situation.  There is an expression in the recovery community, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”   Change is possible, but it demands awareness and action; awareness of the gravities of the old system of beliefs.  Action is the rediscovery of free will.  We can choose to follow the pulls of old gravities or we can choose to do something else.  With awareness everything becomes a conscious choice.

The Problem of Fear

Fear is probably the greatest obstacle to understanding, dialogue and change.  Why?  Because, when we act out of fear we avoid whatever the issue is that we are afraid of (i.e. anger, addiction, money, relationships, etc.).  President Roosevelt put it powerfully and eloquently when he stated, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyses needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”  Fear seeks safety through avoidance, inaction, or violence verbal or physical.  It is defensive in its nature and therefore cannot listen, to be compassionate, and change to heal the issue that is causing suffering to the person, couple, family or nation.

Fear is a natural human feeling and appropriate when dealing with issues of physical safety.  Most of the fear we experience (those who are not in physically dangerous environments) is related to a sense of emotional safety. 

The seeming paradox is that in order to heal the area of suffering we must stop avoiding it.  That is, fear tells us it is not safe to look at or deal with our issues (whatever they may be, relationships, anger, addiction, debt, etc.).  If we refuse to act or change because of fear, we are settling for the safety of familiar suffering.  We are choosing known suffering over the unknown of change.  In short, if we wish to understand ourselves and others, we must allow ourselves to feel the discomfort of looking squarely at what we have avoided in order to heal in that area.  The very act of setting our intentions to stop avoiding begins this process of healing.