The Importance of Action

When discussing with clients new ways of doing things to better meet their needs, the response is often agreement and resistance.  The resistance comes from fear.  The old way has served to protect them from earlier (i.e. childhood, prior relationships, trauma) and even primal fears.  Fears that state if we do the thing we are afraid of (i.e. be ourselves, be honest, be confrontational, be vulnerable, etc.) we will actually die.  That’s how it feels.  The good news is that this is just a feeling.  We don’t die when we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, we heal and grow.  The experience of doing what we are afraid of and surviving reprograms our brain (specifically the amygdala) making it easier the next time.  By taking any intentional action in the directions of the change and healing and surviving we become braver and more comfortable to keep moving in the direction we seek.  Start small.  The comparison I use with clients seeking drastic change is “Let’s say a client has come to therapy to address their claustrophobia, I would not recommend that they immediately try to go to Time Square on New Year’s Eve.”  Take one small action in the direction you seek.  Healing and confidence will follow.  Keep going.

The Power of Honesty

Our old friend fear is so hard to look at squarely.  It gets our heart racing and fogs our mind.  The logic of fear is based on immediate satiation. The fear based methods of seeking safety often are isolating and serve to perpetuate the story it is trying to protect us from.  For example in stories where we see ourselves as a victim to another or depict ourselves as a martyr, while another may be participating in the story, in not confronting the other about the dissatisfaction or doing anything different ourselves, we maintain the story.  As adults we are not powerless in our relationships or to change.  The story of powerless serves to absolve us from facing that which we are afraid of (i.e., abandonment, confrontation, disapproval, etc.).  If we are seeking healing and healthy relationships we must be completely honest with ourselves about our role in maintaining dynamics that do not feel good or right.  Our instincts are good and accurate.  If we do not feel good about how we are being treated or how we are acting, we must take responsibility for taking care of ourselves to do things differently.  We have the power to change and heal if we can be honest with and take responsibility for our own well being.

Thinking and Feeling about Decision Making

When faced with decisions big or small it is useful to take a moment to reflect on how the decision feels.  Generally speaking fear based decisions feel constrictive and lead us to feeling trapped.  There are many other places to make decisions from (i.e. reason, love, pursuit of meaning, etc.) that evoke feelings that range from neutral to inspirational.  Decisions made from the later described place feel expansive and lead to growth.  Fear is not the problem.  Fear is just a feeling, information about feeling unsafe.  It seeks safety in the predictable even if it is consistently unsatisfying.  We make better decisions when we are aware of and honest with ourselves about our feelings.  A simple test is to check in with ourselves in the present by asking “Dose this choices feel constrictive or expansive?”  Choices that feel constrictive maintain the status quo or homeostasis of the system.  Choices that feel expansive lead to dynamic change, healing, and growth.

Beneath and Beyond Anger

Anger is a natural human feeling.  It protects and defends us often aggressively.  It is a loud and strong emotion.  As a result we seem to put great stock in it and give it a lot of attention.  So much so that we often forget to look at or talk about what the anger is protecting and defending.  These are usually softer more vulnerable feelings like sadness and fear.  Anger repels so much so that couples can have a hard time looking each other in the eye.  Eye contact forces us to see our partner as actual person; a person who in all likelihood is suffering in a similar way to us.  When we go beyond and beneath our anger to see and feel our pain and are able to see, hear, and acknowledge the pain beneath our partner’s anger, we enter a space where we can start to connect and heal.  Anger is important as a feeling in that it tells us we feel something is wrong or we feel unsafe.  The work is in figuring out how to take care of selves and be a good partner without being aggressive.  One place to begin is to look beneath the anger and see what it is protecting and to ask your partner to do the same.  In actually hearing each other’s pain and fear we can begin to reconnect.  And in doing this we can leave the destructive path of aggression and enter onto a path of empathic problem solving.