Unexpressed Anger

Resentment is one of the number one killers of relationships.  Unexpressed feelings of anger and irritation fester and grow like a cancer in the relationship creating a lens of negativity through which the relationship becomes viewed.  A healthy relationship is not one without conflict or anger (both are natural and normal experiences) it one in which each partner feels understood and supported.  There are many reasons people choose resentment over honesty and being forth coming.  Some of the most common are fear abandonment, fear of the other’s anger or reaction, and replicating family patterns of not expressing difficult feelings.  Regardless of the motivation, avoidance of addressing difficult feelings like anger prevents potential healing dialogue and behavioral changes.  Being able to express one’s feeling with the goal of being understood (not punishing) is one of the essential keys to a healthy relationship.  We owe it to ourselves and our partners to be honest in a respectful way that allows them to understand us.  They cannot read our minds.  As seductive as the fantasy of having a partner that intuitively knows all our feelings and how to soothe us is, attempting to act out this fantasy consistently yields the result of resentment.  We are no longer preverbal infants waiting for a parent to soothe us with food, a diaper change and holding, unable to express or meet our own needs.  We are adults capable of owning our feeling and needs and able to care of ourselves in a healthy way.  One essential form of self care is the respectful expression of difficult feelings to the end of understanding and problem solving.