A Positive Spin on Arguing

Many people do not enjoy arguing especial with their partner.  In my opinion the ability to upset and be upset by a partner can be seen as a measure of how much energy is in the system.  If you are still getting upset there is still a high level of engagement and connection.  The problem is people become exhausted and frustrated by this type of connection and engagement which leads to avoidance, drift, and apathy.  Many relationships end in the words of T.S. Elliot, “Not with a bang but with a whimper.”  People check out of the relationship.  The energy leaks out of the system.  People get tired of not changing, not being heard, not feeling understood, and respected and naturally begin to avoid theses frustrating situation.  Nothing can be solved through avoidance.  Relationships are living complicated multidimensional systems that demand energy to be sustained.  I advocate for fighting for these connections we hold so dear, in way that supports and enlivens the system.  Show up for the relationship by consciously and intentional using the strong feelings to transform the relationship into something that grows rather than taking the energy away from the system to let it wither.  “Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” writes Dylan Thomas.  While physical death may be inevitable, relationships are of another ilk and can be saved, enlivened, and transformed from a system that is not functioning well and causing pain to system that supports, encourages, and fosters all dimensions of growth.