The Problem of Not Talking About It

Our mind spins endless narratives to explain the world and the people that surround us.  Too often in relationships when things have soured and the participants in the relationship are avoiding one another, all they are left with is a monologue that supports a case they are building against the other who has offended, upset, hurt or angered them.  People become very attached to these stories.  So much so that it not uncommon for me to hear in couples sessions one or both partners expressing the belief that they know their partner better than the partner knows themselves.  This is never the case.  The only person’s process and feelings that we will ever directly know in full and complete detail is our own.  Often helping relationships get unstuck has to with helping to bring the participants into dialogue in the present.  This has several components. Part one addresses the here and now:   Being aware of, owning, and being honest about one’s feelings.  And being able to listen, and allow the other the space to have their feelings, and to trust they are expressing the truth as they experience it. Part two addresses the unpacking of the cases that have been built during the period of avoidance.  I ask clients to own the cases they have built as the speculations they are (even if well founded in relationship history), and to pose the speculation as a question.  This takes the case out of the static monologue state and into the present where partners can dynamically engage and come to the understanding they seek.  In these discussions it frequently becomes clear the gap in understanding lies between the intention of one person and the interpretation of the other.  Dialogue is the bridge to understanding.  I can say with high probability, "If you don't talk about it. It won't change."  Be brave, honest and respectful. You can not only get unstuck, but you can transform your relationship.