The F*&%#ing Holidays

Once again the holidays are here.  For some they are a time of joy and gathering.  For many they are a time of stress because of the pressure and expectations of family.  The feelings of obligation to show up and play a role that we were cast in as a child but no longer identify with as an adult can be very frustrating.  The question we need to be asking ourselves to navigate the holidays with integrity is, “How can I be the person I want to be in the world?”  In asking this question we can become mindful and intentional about the way in which we navigate our interactions.  This is a stark contrast to simply acting out as the result of pressure; be it internal or external.  It puts us back in the driver’s seat.  As children we were reacting to the world the adults in our lives surround us with.  As conscious adults we do not need to wait for others to lead, we can choose our own direction and take responsibility for our behavior and emotional well being.  This holiday season I invite you to give yourself the gift of integrity by having a plan to take care of and stay coherent with yourself.  Be decent, loving, kind, and set boundaries.

Self Care

 In busy adult life, urban or not, self care is not something that just happens. What I mean by self care are the ways in which we take care of ourselves through spiritual, exercise, dietary, and creative practices. In the rush of life, with or without children, it is easy to slip into unhealthy routines of passive and toxic consumption (i.e. decompressing by watching television, having a drink, and/or smoking, eating fast food, or whatever is in the house). Unfortunately none of these activities actually recharge us; they just let us tune out for a moment or “not deal”. The fact of the matter is we feel better when we take care of ourselves and to do this requires planning and commitment. Some things in our schedules we cannot change (e.g., work and school schedules), but outside of those we can plan to exercise, do yoga, go to church, practice piano, read, eat in healthy way. In doing these types activities we actively recharge. I recommend starting small. Choose an area in your life that you have been neglecting and give it some attention by carving out time for it twice over the next week. See how you feel. Keep going.

Intention and Communication

Where we are coming from has a huge impact on the type of communication we have with others and the result of that communication. Often people are not aware of their intentions in communicating; they are simply doing what they do out of habit. This is being asleep at the wheel. As with most habits we don’t wake up to them until we have crashed the car. That is, something happens that is so painful that we can no longer continue to do things the same way. Once we wake up we have choices and can be intentional. In regards to communication a couple of habits that do not work for building healthy relationships are focusing on power (e.g. being right or winning) and avoidance (e.g. not addressing things out of fear). Awareness allows us to stay awake when communicating by focusing on our intention. Some examples of constructive intentions are to create understanding, to solve a problem, to create a sense of safety, and to connect. If we have constructive intentions for our communication we need not feel powerless to stop fruitless and even destructive patterns of communication. Whether the needed change is showing up instead of avoiding or stopping power struggles, or both, actions can be taken. The first part is stopping what is not working. The second part is having a different type of conversation, one that invites what we are seeking (i.e. understanding, connection, problem solving, safety). With awareness and intentionality we can not only stop old destructive habits, we can also engage in forms of communication that heal and foster growth.