Intention and Communication

Where we are coming from has a huge impact on the type of communication we have with others and the result of that communication. Often people are not aware of their intentions in communicating; they are simply doing what they do out of habit. This is being asleep at the wheel. As with most habits we don’t wake up to them until we have crashed the car. That is, something happens that is so painful that we can no longer continue to do things the same way. Once we wake up we have choices and can be intentional. In regards to communication a couple of habits that do not work for building healthy relationships are focusing on power (e.g. being right or winning) and avoidance (e.g. not addressing things out of fear). Awareness allows us to stay awake when communicating by focusing on our intention. Some examples of constructive intentions are to create understanding, to solve a problem, to create a sense of safety, and to connect. If we have constructive intentions for our communication we need not feel powerless to stop fruitless and even destructive patterns of communication. Whether the needed change is showing up instead of avoiding or stopping power struggles, or both, actions can be taken. The first part is stopping what is not working. The second part is having a different type of conversation, one that invites what we are seeking (i.e. understanding, connection, problem solving, safety). With awareness and intentionality we can not only stop old destructive habits, we can also engage in forms of communication that heal and foster growth.