Knowing is the problem

It is my belief that resentment is the number one killer of relationships. Those unexpressed feeling of anger and irritation. Those assumptions of malicious intent, consume a relationship like cancer.  How can we move through these negative feeling towards constructively rebuilding our relationships?  The answer is twofold.

First we must own our feelings about any given situation and its meaning.  Ask yourself the question when you are upset, “What does this mean to me?”  Asking this simple question does several things.  One of the most important is that it slows the process of escalation.  The other is that it refocuses the person on the primary objective of being understood. (You may notice repetition from the previous post in terms of process.)

Second we must move away from “knowing” our partner’s intentions by actually engaging them in dialogue.  I frequently joke with couples when starting therapy, by asking them if they are clairvoyant.  (So far I have not worked with any mind readers.) Then I state, “Since no one in this room is a mind reader if we want to know what another person is thinking or feeling we must ask them.”  Asking changes relationships in a number of ways.  Most importantly, it creates dialogue between partners and disrupts the internal monologue of malicious intent. 

For example, if my partner leaves the cap off the toothpaste and I interpret this gesture as a lack of care for me.  Naturally, I’m going to be upset.  There are an infinite number of ways I can respond.  What I suggest to be constructive is to owns one’s feelings and engage in dialogue.  For instance, “I was upset when you left the cap off the tooth paste.  I felt as if I was not cared for.  Could you tell me what your intentions were?”  Very often a partner may state they had no intentions, they just were not aware of…  With the awareness of the meaning of the gesture comes more understanding, which builds compassion and empathy in a couple where before there was resentment.  Through this type of dialogue couples can learn to better understand each other thus provide one another with the type of support they desire.  Now a stage is set in which people can change behaviors as the result of understanding, empathy, and compassion not out of fear, manipulation, or coercion. 

Allow Yourself to Be Heard

Those of us who are not surgeons, EMTs, or in a physically abusive relationship are not dealing with matters of life and death.  As such, nothing needs to be responded to immediately.  Studies have found that people are not able to have rational conversations if their heart rate is over 100 beats per minute.  When we are in heightened physical state resulting from emotional intensity, our body responds as if we are in physical danger.  In short we devolve into a fight or flight mode.  In such a state constructive conversation is not possible.  If you are interested in having constructive conversations and being understood, it is crucial to learn to be aware of your body’s physical reactions to being upset.  This information can then be used to call a “time out” and prevent negative escalation.  The “time out” has two major functions.  The first is, triage.  That is, stopping the further attacks, insults, or negativity that would most likely be expressed were you to continue the escalation.  Secondly, it allows us refocus on what is at the heart of the matter, “What do I want them to understand?”

In order to have constructive conversations people must learn how to speak and listen calmly.  This does not mean we don’t feel anger, frustration, sadness, betrayal, or other difficult and intense feelings.  Feeling provide us with valuable information, they do not control us.  We are responsible for ourselves at all times. To be understood we must be aware of what we want the other person to understand and how to say it in a way that will be heard.

Take the time you need to calm down.  Go slow. Become clear with yourself about what you want understood. Speak in the interest of being heard and understood, not punishing.

Basic theory of communication

My professional and personal experience has lead me to believe that what people really want is to be heard, understood, loved, and respected.  When those basic emotional needs are thwarted people tend to settle for what I consider a very shabby consolation prize of a power struggle.  The problem is in a power struggle even when you win you lose because your needs are still not being met.  The point is, to move away from the destructive paradigm of the power struggle in which no one ever really wins, and to move towards a paradigm in which the focus is on understanding that allows partners to constructively solve problems together and create the support and safety they seek.

The good news is if neither partner is sociopathic, the chances of getting on the same page are very good.  Reason being that connecting with another person and being understood feels much better than being “right” and feeling disconnected.