Knowing is the problem

It is my belief that resentment is the number one killer of relationships. Those unexpressed feeling of anger and irritation. Those assumptions of malicious intent, consume a relationship like cancer.  How can we move through these negative feeling towards constructively rebuilding our relationships?  The answer is twofold.

First we must own our feelings about any given situation and its meaning.  Ask yourself the question when you are upset, “What does this mean to me?”  Asking this simple question does several things.  One of the most important is that it slows the process of escalation.  The other is that it refocuses the person on the primary objective of being understood. (You may notice repetition from the previous post in terms of process.)

Second we must move away from “knowing” our partner’s intentions by actually engaging them in dialogue.  I frequently joke with couples when starting therapy, by asking them if they are clairvoyant.  (So far I have not worked with any mind readers.) Then I state, “Since no one in this room is a mind reader if we want to know what another person is thinking or feeling we must ask them.”  Asking changes relationships in a number of ways.  Most importantly, it creates dialogue between partners and disrupts the internal monologue of malicious intent. 

For example, if my partner leaves the cap off the toothpaste and I interpret this gesture as a lack of care for me.  Naturally, I’m going to be upset.  There are an infinite number of ways I can respond.  What I suggest to be constructive is to owns one’s feelings and engage in dialogue.  For instance, “I was upset when you left the cap off the tooth paste.  I felt as if I was not cared for.  Could you tell me what your intentions were?”  Very often a partner may state they had no intentions, they just were not aware of…  With the awareness of the meaning of the gesture comes more understanding, which builds compassion and empathy in a couple where before there was resentment.  Through this type of dialogue couples can learn to better understand each other thus provide one another with the type of support they desire.  Now a stage is set in which people can change behaviors as the result of understanding, empathy, and compassion not out of fear, manipulation, or coercion.