Those of us who are not surgeons, EMTs, or in a physically abusive relationship are not dealing with matters of life and death. As such, nothing needs to be responded to immediately. Studies have found that people are not able to have rational conversations if their heart rate is over 100 beats per minute. When we are in heightened physical state resulting from emotional intensity, our body responds as if we are in physical danger. In short we devolve into a fight or flight mode. In such a state constructive conversation is not possible. If you are interested in having constructive conversations and being understood, it is crucial to learn to be aware of your body’s physical reactions to being upset. This information can then be used to call a “time out” and prevent negative escalation. The “time out” has two major functions. The first is, triage. That is, stopping the further attacks, insults, or negativity that would most likely be expressed were you to continue the escalation. Secondly, it allows us refocus on what is at the heart of the matter, “What do I want them to understand?”
In order to have constructive conversations people must learn how to speak and listen calmly. This does not mean we don’t feel anger, frustration, sadness, betrayal, or other difficult and intense feelings. Feeling provide us with valuable information, they do not control us. We are responsible for ourselves at all times. To be understood we must be aware of what we want the other person to understand and how to say it in a way that will be heard.
Take the time you need to calm down. Go slow. Become clear with yourself about what you want understood. Speak in the interest of being heard and understood, not punishing.
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