What can be done when our family of origin expects us to maintain roles we have out grown or decided do not work for us as an adult? Firstly, we can love, honor and accept who we have become and are becoming. Know yourself and know that at the end of the day it is you who decides who you are through your words and deeds.
There are two basic approaches, but the end the day it comes down to having boundaries. That is, act in a manner that respects yourself and who you are becoming. The first approach is to speak directly with people who you feel are treating you as if you are the role you had as a child or earlier in life. Ideally they will be able to change their actions to recognize you for who you are now.
This unfortunately, does not always happen. Since the only person we can willing change is our self, sometimes we simply have to accept the limitations of others and understand that their limitations are not a reflection of us.
As in the kid sister. My older brother loves to push my buttons (he installed them!) and boss me around all the while patting me on the head. I'm 66 for Gods sake! I know you say I have to accept the limitations of others and understand that their limitations are not a reflection of me. BUT how about the little girl in me that wants approval?
ReplyDeleteAnnie
Dear Annie,
ReplyDeleteI would like to begin by saying, “feelings are feelings.” The reason I say this is because it is my opinion that our feeling whether they are related to the present or past are information. No more no less. It is what we do with this information that effects us the most. You may always want your brother’s approval. There is nothing wrong with that in and of itself. Problems (in the sense not feeling good about one’s self) tend to occur when people act in way that does not fit with the way they want to be. That is, if you do something to get your brother’s approval that makes you feel not good about yourself, a feeling of incoherency may arise. It is the feeling of acting in a way that is inconsistent with how one views themself, or wants to view themself, that generally leads to various unpleasant feelings.
In short, feel your feeling without judging yourself. Act in a way that is true to how to want to see yourself. Be true to your integrity.
All the best,
Michael Stiglitz, LMFT