The Problem of Kid Logic

Most of the parts of our lives that aren't working are the result of overextended kid logic. Some call it "defense mechanisms" others call it "defects of character."  To survive the emotional intensity of childhood we needed to create a logic (or narrative) that would give us a sense of order, control and safety.  As children are egocentric, so is their logic.  An extreme but typical example is, "If I were a better kid, my parents would not be getting divorced."  As adults we can see that we were not in control of our care givers or our environment, nonetheless the messages of kid logic continue to influence our adult perception and choices.  Messages like, "I am not enough," "I am unlovable," "People cannot be trusted," were created to protect and serve us.  They do not serve us as adults; they only serve to keep us in the familiar discomfort of  recreating situations that "prove" these messages to be true.  The question is, "How can we treat ourselves and others as an adult in the present?"  Awareness is the answer.  It's not about our brain not generating these messages.  It's about seeing these messages for what they are- kid logic which is driven by fear and the desire to feel safe.  As conscious adults we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do I need?  And how can I take care of myself in a healthy way?"  To move past our kid logic I often recommend to my clients that they write a letter to their younger self expressing appreciation for all the hard work they have done and to let them know that you are an adult now and can take care of yourself.  We can take care of ourselves as conscious adults and meet our needs in healthy ways.  The more we can recognize our fear based kid logic, the more opportunities we have to make decisions driven by chosen intentions rather than reacting to childhood fears.  In so doing, we can build the lives and relationships we seek.

Aggression, Safety, and Control

Generally when we express aggression it is because we are attempting to force an outcome we desire that part of our brain believes will make us feel safe.  It is our lower or "reptile brain" at work.  Siegel and Bryson explain in the book No-Drama Discipline that our lower brain seeks survival through the limited options of "fight, flight, freeze, or faint."  When we act aggressively we trigger the reptile brain in others.  They refer to this as "poking the lizard."  We will never achieve the safety we seek through aggression.   The fact is, we cannot control another person (nor should we try).  Safety comes from a sense of trust gained through connecting and engaging with another consistently over time.  Thus, if we wish to feel safe we need to learn to connect and engage with what Siegel and Bryson refer to as the "upstairs brain," where compassion, empathy, reason and higher order thinking dwell.  While No-Drama Disciple is a book intended to help parents connect and direct their children to learn to develop their problem-solving, make good choices, and manage their feeling in a healthy way, these are not just good ideas about parenting, but good ideas for fostering any healthy relationship.  We get more of what we want (i.e. love, understanding, respect) when we focus on how to connect and engage with others.  As for control: We control our actions and our intentions.  We do not control the results.  The more we can stay in our upstairs brain, the more we can engage the upstairs brain in others.  We do not have to use aggression, which is counterproductive to the safety and connection we actually seek.