Aggression, Safety, and Control

Generally when we express aggression it is because we are attempting to force an outcome we desire that part of our brain believes will make us feel safe.  It is our lower or "reptile brain" at work.  Siegel and Bryson explain in the book No-Drama Discipline that our lower brain seeks survival through the limited options of "fight, flight, freeze, or faint."  When we act aggressively we trigger the reptile brain in others.  They refer to this as "poking the lizard."  We will never achieve the safety we seek through aggression.   The fact is, we cannot control another person (nor should we try).  Safety comes from a sense of trust gained through connecting and engaging with another consistently over time.  Thus, if we wish to feel safe we need to learn to connect and engage with what Siegel and Bryson refer to as the "upstairs brain," where compassion, empathy, reason and higher order thinking dwell.  While No-Drama Disciple is a book intended to help parents connect and direct their children to learn to develop their problem-solving, make good choices, and manage their feeling in a healthy way, these are not just good ideas about parenting, but good ideas for fostering any healthy relationship.  We get more of what we want (i.e. love, understanding, respect) when we focus on how to connect and engage with others.  As for control: We control our actions and our intentions.  We do not control the results.  The more we can stay in our upstairs brain, the more we can engage the upstairs brain in others.  We do not have to use aggression, which is counterproductive to the safety and connection we actually seek.