The Problem of Aggression

There is an expression in the recovery communities, “There is no problem that having a drink won’t make worse.”  In regards to interpersonal communication and relationships it can be stated with the same certainty, “There is no problem that adding aggression to won’t make worse.”  Aggression is a natural response to feeling challenged or threatened.  What does the feeling of aggression really tell us?  It tells us that we do not feel safe and we perceive a need to protect ourselves.  So what do we do when discussing finances, parenting, politics, household chores, or what we should have for dinner and we start to feel aggression? Nothing. Yes, do nothing.  The feeling of aggression tells us to act quickly and severely or we may be killed.  Unless you are in a physically abusive relationship this is not the case.  By taking a moment to not act and ask one’s self, “What do I need?”  we can actually take care of ourselves in ways that at worst are neutral and at best are healing to both people involved.  The question, “What do I need?” creates time and space, most importantly it brings our thinking out of the primal fight or flight zone (lower brain) to the prefrontal cortex (upper brain) where reason, language and problem solving happen.  Aggression’s purpose is to keep us alive.  This is the lowest base line.  To be in healthy relationships with other humans it is not an effective tool when acted on directly.  On the other hand it can be transformative if we stop the roaring diesel train of aggression and begin to look inside the cars.  Who’s in there?  What’s in there?  All feeling convey important information.   For the information to be useful we must reflect before we act.  The question, “What do I need?” is one little tool to decode and transform aggression into something constructive that we can act upon.