Behind the Aggression

Aggression and anger are natural feelings we all have.  They are loud and demanding feelings.  In fact they are so loud and demanding that we often do not hear the more vulnerable need that anger and aggression are protecting us from feeling.  There is no conversation which aggression improves or need it actually satisfies unless we are sadists or sociopathic.  To get behind the aggression we must slow down and reflect before choosing our words and actions.  Slow down, slow down, sloooow down.  In slowing down we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do I need?" "What is the quiet feeling behind the aggression?"  When we slow down we can learn to see and be honest with ourselves and others about our feelings and needs in a way that actually works.  Sometimes when we ask these questions we may be surprised to find simple physical needs like feeling hungry or tired and  the clear ways of meeting those needs of eating or resting.  Other times the need will be of an emotional nature, for example wanting to feel safe, connected, understood, or accepted.   When we are clear and honest with ourselves about the need behind the aggression we can begin to seek constructive solutions to address those needs.  Questions like, "How can I speak to this person in a way that I will allow them to understand me?" "What can I do to feel connected at this time?"  "What do I need to feel emotionally safe?"  help us take care of and be honest with ourselves and allow us to be honest with others.  Honesty demands courage, courage that is rewarded by feelings of integrity and genuinely connecting with others. 

Coming to Our Senses

The expression “I came to my senses” is interesting and important for a number of reasons.  One dimension of the expression is that there is a strong implication that reason and intellect are not enough to feel or be sane in any given situation.  That at least part of what grounds us is being present with our sensory experience.  The habits of the mind in modern (especially urban) culture are to always be racing, planning, multitasking to end of being more productive and efficient.  We call this ambition.  The problem is when we spend too much time in the realms of the future we become disconnected from experiencing the world as it is right now in the present.  When we are disconnected with our senses we are disconnected from an important part of ourselves that keeps us grounded and centered.  The more grounded and centered we are the better we can connect with others.  So how can we come to our senses?  One way is to intentionally acknowledge the sensory experiences we are constantly having (i.e. how my clothes  feel on my body, how it feels to sit in this chair, how the air smells, how my food tastes, what are the colors and shapes in my field of vision?).  Another way is to intentionally seek specific sensory experiences (i.e. smelling the roses, making mash potatoes with your hands, watching clouds, slowly eating and tasting your food, listening to music with your eyes closed).  If we are seeking to connect with others we are in a better position to do so if we first connect with ourselves by coming to our senses.

The Value of Confusion

When clients tell me they feel confused, I generally tell them, “Confusion is wonderful.”  This comment is often met with laughter or a quizzical look.   I go on to explain, “The feeling of confusion tells us we have left the known.”  The known that most of my clients are leaving is the familiar discomfort of unhealthy habits of behavior (i.e. codependent/ enabling relationships, addiction, dysfunctional work environments).   The known often has to do with compulsively acting in certain fear based ways to avoid difficult feelings.  For the codependent this might mean saying, “Yes” to things they may feel are not right for fear of disapproval or abandonment. For the addict, it may mean choosing to numb difficult feelings through drugs and alcohol.  For those in dysfunctional work environments it may mean continuing to “try to make it work” for fear of change.  Our worst decisions are fear based. Fear tells us if we experience certain feelings we actually die. This is not the case.  Nor is this variety of fear based in adult experience.  This variety of fear is derived from childhood experience when we did not have the tools or perspective to take care of ourselves.  As adults we can recognize how our fear based decisions hurt us and others.  We can consciously and intentionally leave this familiar known and bravely step into the realm of honesty and self care.  I often find clients are not really confused they are just experiencing the growing pains of letting go of fear based habits and moving toward honesty and healing.

The Problem of Aggression

There is an expression in the recovery communities, “There is no problem that having a drink won’t make worse.”  In regards to interpersonal communication and relationships it can be stated with the same certainty, “There is no problem that adding aggression to won’t make worse.”  Aggression is a natural response to feeling challenged or threatened.  What does the feeling of aggression really tell us?  It tells us that we do not feel safe and we perceive a need to protect ourselves.  So what do we do when discussing finances, parenting, politics, household chores, or what we should have for dinner and we start to feel aggression? Nothing. Yes, do nothing.  The feeling of aggression tells us to act quickly and severely or we may be killed.  Unless you are in a physically abusive relationship this is not the case.  By taking a moment to not act and ask one’s self, “What do I need?”  we can actually take care of ourselves in ways that at worst are neutral and at best are healing to both people involved.  The question, “What do I need?” creates time and space, most importantly it brings our thinking out of the primal fight or flight zone (lower brain) to the prefrontal cortex (upper brain) where reason, language and problem solving happen.  Aggression’s purpose is to keep us alive.  This is the lowest base line.  To be in healthy relationships with other humans it is not an effective tool when acted on directly.  On the other hand it can be transformative if we stop the roaring diesel train of aggression and begin to look inside the cars.  Who’s in there?  What’s in there?  All feeling convey important information.   For the information to be useful we must reflect before we act.  The question, “What do I need?” is one little tool to decode and transform aggression into something constructive that we can act upon.

Learning to Be Honest

The first definition of honest in Webster’s dictionary is “free from fraud and deception.”  What prevents us from being honest with ourselves and others?  It is my personal and professional experience that fear is the primary obstacle that separates us from honesty.  We lie to others because we are afraid of their reactions or we want to be seen a certain way.  We lie to ourselves generally to create alignment between our actions and our sense of identity when these two are in fact not in alignment.  One type of dishonesty is justifying acting out of anger.  With the exception of genuine sociopaths people are decent and prefer to been seen that way.  When we yell, curse, or act vindictively towards another we are not being decent.  There are many ways to bring our actions into alignment with our essential identity as a decent person.  The first is to acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions when they are out of alignment.  The second is to make conscious and intentional efforts to take actions that are a reflection of our essential identity.  As humans we seem to be primarily interested in making changes when we can no longer tolerate the pain.  When we shift the focus from justifying behaviors that are not coherent with how we want to see ourselves and want to be seen to focusing on being coherent with our essential identity we are making the shift toward internal alignment and honesty.

Trust, Fear, and Being Scared

Fear and being scared have different meaning within the work we do to heal.  Fear is the feeling connected with our emotional history.  It tells us we cannot or should not do certain things because there has been bad or unpleasant results in the past.  A commonly experienced fear is that of trusting other people.  If our parents were not emotionally available, or we were in some way violated emotionally or physically as a child or in earlier relationships our brain which is primarily interested in its own survival can come to the conclusion that people are not to be trusted.  While this type of emotional logic may have kept us safe in our younger lives it does not serve us in our efforts to heal, connect, and have relationships that are expansive.  I am not suggesting that caution be thrown to the wind and that everyone is to be trusted.  What I am suggesting is that we limit ourselves by relying too much on old emotional logic.  We can go further.  If we want to grow and heal we must go further.  This is where being scared comes in.  New experiences often are scary for the simple reason that they are new.  When we bravely try new behaviors to connect and allow others to connect with us we are co-creating relationships with others.  While we cannot control another person, we can show up with the intention to be open and honest and invite another to share that space.  In so doing we allow our brain to experience that do not need to avoid connection to be safe.  As adults we can set boundaries with others and take care of ourselves.  New is not bad, it just unknown and as such can be scary.  It is the path of growth and healing.  The safety of the restriction and limitation resulting from our fearfully over cautious brains begs us to stay in the known with the absence of action.  If we want change and connection we need to be willing to take new actions and bravely step into the unknown.

Dealing with Our Feral Brain

Our brain for all of its complexity has one objective- survival.  As such it often processes information (which is all emotions are) in theses terms.  It tells us things like, “You must have you way now or you are going to die,” “This person must understand me now or I am going to die.”  It’s very dramatic.  The problem is when we attempt to create a sense of safety through force it consistently yields the opposite of what we want.  Others feel threatened and respond defensively.  Escalation ensues and nobody feels safe.  What can be done?  When we are emotionally triggered we need to take a deep breath and tell our brain something to the effect of, “I am an adult.  I am safe and I can take care of myself.”  We cannot extract safety from another person.  When we are centered and grounded in ourselves, we are then in a position to invite others to understand us.  It takes a lot of practice, but each time we push our brain out of its comfort zone and we do not die it learns to be more flexible and less fearful.  The practice becomes easier.  The positive feedback loop encourages us to continue.  If you have begun on this path I encourage you to continue.  If you have not yet I encourage you to start and assure you it gets better.