Stop trying to change your partner and own the role you play in keeping things the way they are. Since you are the only person you can control, it is worth seriously considering how you feel about the way you act in any given situation. Do you feel good about the way you handled yourself? Not did you get the result you wanted from your partner.
Most people do not feel good about themselves when they lose control and act mean, aggressive, or spiteful in the heat of an argument. While you cannot control your partner, you can control yourself. The sentiment expressed by many a parents and teachers that, “It takes two to have a fight,” is true. For example, if one partner is getting upset and starting raise their voice and become aggressive and the other partner rather than escalating the situation, can say something to the effect of, “Things seem to be getting revved up now. Rather than continuing our old habit of being hurtful to one another, I’m going to take a walk. Let’s try and talk calmly in an hour.” By making this kind of statement change is happening on a number of fronts. Ideally, it stops the escalation and the expression of hurtful sentiments for both partners.
Perhaps most importantly, in being the person not “losing their cool,” you can feel better about yourself for staying true to essential decency and integrity.
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