Breaking the Argument Cycle

What is the upside to arguing with those we with live with and care about?  We feel passion and connection (during the argument).  Unfortunately, we often do not reach a resolution or solution and feel hopeless to get out seemingly repeating and predictable conflicts.  These arguments can sometimes take hours and leave us drained with what some have referred to as an emotional hangover.  How can we stop these frustrating and draining interactions?  The first piece is to be aware of ourselves physically.  That is, notice when your heart rate is increasing.  If our heart rate is over 100 beats per minute we are not capable of having a reasonable conversation because our body has cued our brain to go into fight or flight mode. If we notice that our heart rate is increasing we can then take constructive action to stop the argument cycle.  First we can call a “time out,” by saying something to the effect of, “I feel myself getting very upset right now and need to take a walk to calm down. Let’s try and talk about this calmly in an hour [a couple hours, tomorrow, etc.]”   You will notice the time out has two parts: Part one is owning one’s feeling and stating what you are going to do to take care of yourself and not escalate the situation, and part two is statement of commitment to resolving the issue in a constructive and timely way.  Both parts are important in breaking the cycle.  While part one ideally stops the escalation, part two ensures the other person that we are not just walking out on or abandoning them which can lead to further escalation.