Healthy Fantasy and Acceptance

Often I hear my clients judging themselves for wanting healthy relationships with people (parents, children, partners, friends, coworkers),  because the other person is not providing evidence that they are interested in participating in such a relationship.  This is where I encourage clients to distinguish between their healthy fantasies and how the actual person is currently able to show up for the relationship.  It is healthy and reasonable to want the people in our lives to be loving, understanding, supportive, respectful, decent, patient and kind.  I see these wants as a sign of health and sanity.  Unfortunately, not everyone in our lives is capable of participating in a healthy relationship.  Some people do not respect boundaries even when they are explicitly stated.  Some people are too narcissistic to be empathetic.  Some people are not ready to deal with their patterns of avoidance or addiction.  Don’t get me wrong, I would not be in the field of mental health if I did not believe that people can and do change.  It usually comes back to the old joke, “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? None…the light bulb has to want to change.”  The point is that it is healthy and sane to want healthy and sane relationships.  It is also important to understand that while we can set boundaries and invite people to have better relationships, it is also important to acknowledge and accept what other people are capable of.