Staying in Character

Don’t be mean (i.e., yelling, cursing, nagging, or any the infinite number of non-constructive ways of aggressively or passive aggressively expressing anger).  I’m serious, it does not work.  There is an interesting expression that is part of our vernacular that people use to describe when they are upset and act out of anger. They say “He (or she) took me out of my character.”  The expression addresses that we have a common view of ourselves as decent, patient, intelligent, and loving, and that when we get upset and act of anger it is not coherent with how we see our core identity.  If you are not sociopathic it does not feel good to treat others disrespectfully.  We may feel justified in acting out of anger, but we do not feel good.  Perhaps the only thing we control in life is our own actions.  If we are to feel good about ourselves we must take full responsibility for the actions we take and take actions that are in line with how we see ourselves and the lives and relationships we want to build and sustain.  By staying in character and being our best and most decent self we do our part and need not continue to experience the regret and remorse of acting out of anger.

The Problem of Not Talking About It

Our mind spins endless narratives to explain the world and the people that surround us.  Too often in relationships when things have soured and the participants in the relationship are avoiding one another, all they are left with is a monologue that supports a case they are building against the other who has offended, upset, hurt or angered them.  People become very attached to these stories.  So much so that it not uncommon for me to hear in couples sessions one or both partners expressing the belief that they know their partner better than the partner knows themselves.  This is never the case.  The only person’s process and feelings that we will ever directly know in full and complete detail is our own.  Often helping relationships get unstuck has to with helping to bring the participants into dialogue in the present.  This has several components. Part one addresses the here and now:   Being aware of, owning, and being honest about one’s feelings.  And being able to listen, and allow the other the space to have their feelings, and to trust they are expressing the truth as they experience it. Part two addresses the unpacking of the cases that have been built during the period of avoidance.  I ask clients to own the cases they have built as the speculations they are (even if well founded in relationship history), and to pose the speculation as a question.  This takes the case out of the static monologue state and into the present where partners can dynamically engage and come to the understanding they seek.  In these discussions it frequently becomes clear the gap in understanding lies between the intention of one person and the interpretation of the other.  Dialogue is the bridge to understanding.  I can say with high probability, "If you don't talk about it. It won't change."  Be brave, honest and respectful. You can not only get unstuck, but you can transform your relationship.

Buds and Blossoms

Our instincts are generally correct in guiding us to the changes we need to lead healthier, more balanced, creative, connected, and loving lives, and yet the gravity of our habits of living and our fear of the unknown compel us not to.  That is, until we reach point in our lives beautifully described by Anis Nin, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  We know when we are ready to change.  Often it when we realize that the pain of not changing is worse than the fear of the unknown that we choose to cross that threshold.  Most of us are buds in some areas of our lives and blossoms in other.  Be brave and keep blooming.

Awareness and Space to Grow and Heal

Many of our strong feelings are rooted in our efforts to make sense of the world from when we were children.  Child logic is largely egocentric.  That is, we perceived ourselves as the cause of the things that happened in our lives; others’ behaviors (especially our parents) were perceived as responding to us.  Especially with young children there is no sense of others’ motivation being not related to them.  Understanding this is important both in understanding our internal process and in being conscious parents.  The child’s notion of, “If I were better or different this would not be happening” is incredibly powerful.  Whether the “this” is divorce, separation, witnessing parents fight or a host of other lesser negative experiences, children are the center of their narrative universe, and as such experience themselves as the cause of whatever is happening.  What we do not understand as children is that everyone is bringing their own history and process to every situation and that all too often adults are unconsciously playing out material from their childhood and prior relationships.  So what can we do to decrease suffering for ourselves and for our children?   There are in my opinion two major components: The first is becoming aware of our own internal process, and owning it and our behavior.  The second is giving others (our children, siblings, friends, partners, colleagues, whoever) the respect and space to acknowledge that they have their own, history, process and preferences.  We are responsible for our actions, we not the alpha and omega of everyone else’s experience.

A Positive Spin on Arguing

Many people do not enjoy arguing especial with their partner.  In my opinion the ability to upset and be upset by a partner can be seen as a measure of how much energy is in the system.  If you are still getting upset there is still a high level of engagement and connection.  The problem is people become exhausted and frustrated by this type of connection and engagement which leads to avoidance, drift, and apathy.  Many relationships end in the words of T.S. Elliot, “Not with a bang but with a whimper.”  People check out of the relationship.  The energy leaks out of the system.  People get tired of not changing, not being heard, not feeling understood, and respected and naturally begin to avoid theses frustrating situation.  Nothing can be solved through avoidance.  Relationships are living complicated multidimensional systems that demand energy to be sustained.  I advocate for fighting for these connections we hold so dear, in way that supports and enlivens the system.  Show up for the relationship by consciously and intentional using the strong feelings to transform the relationship into something that grows rather than taking the energy away from the system to let it wither.  “Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” writes Dylan Thomas.  While physical death may be inevitable, relationships are of another ilk and can be saved, enlivened, and transformed from a system that is not functioning well and causing pain to system that supports, encourages, and fosters all dimensions of growth.     

Everybody's Got a Mother

As far as I know there is only one way into this life and that is through being born.  In the words of James Brown, “Everybody’s got a mother and you know what I’m talkin’ about.”  In this way we are all the same and all equal. There is only one way in.  This is a human truth that does not depend on any of our subjective judgments based on class, race, religion, political party, career, neighborhood, etc.  Mother’s Day can be an opportunity not only to celebrate and acknowledge the mother’s we know and love, but also remind us of our core humanity that ideally keeps us humble and things in perspective.  

Going Through Hell

Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through Hell keep going.”  From the daily transitions from work to home to the larger life transitions of career  changes, graduations, having children, new relationships, moving etc, our lives are filled with transitions.  New transitions are especially difficult because the unknown frequently causes us anxiety.  In times of difficult transition whatever it may be (sleep deprivation from caring for a new born, divorce, becoming sober) it is important to remember that we possess the resiliency to get through the experience.  The fact is our resiliency has allowed to survive and often thrive through difficult transitions in the past and we can count on it to carry us through now and in the future.  Churchill’s statement is a call to wake up, remember and draw upon our resiliency.  Our “Hell” can be anything that we are struggling with, but he reminds us that it is something that can be passed through.  We do not need to stay in our suffering, we can “keep going” and learn what need to learn to come out on the other side.