Avoidance and Honesty

Sometimes partners avoid certain difficult conversation or refrain from being honest because of wanting to please the other or fear of hurting the other's feelings.  Whenever we engage in avoidance we are setting the situation up to stay the same or fail.  The result of avoided conversations or conversation where we are not honest about our wants and needs is generally dissatisfaction for both partners.  Faking it does not work in the long run because it creates resentment.  We can be honest and respectful in owning our feelings and needs. We can listen to our partner's feelings and needs. And we can parse out ways we need to take care of ourselves from ways we can learn to improve our problem solving as a partnership.  The key is being honest with ourselves and then showing up for our partner by being honest.

How Do We Listen When We Listen?

One of the essential healing elements in working with trauma cases is listening to the person’s story, listening to their pain and taking the story and the pain seriously. Often when abuse happens within a family or relationship there is a tendency for the family or partner to minimize, dismiss, or somehow excuse the situation.  It is my understanding that the causes of theses minimizing behaviors are at least two fold.  The first is being fearful of being uncomfortable to really listen to another person’s pain.  The second is related to denial, due to shame of either causing the suffering or not stopping the suffering the other experienced.  While trauma cases are extreme by their nature of violence, neglect, and verbal and emotional abuse, it has become clear to me as a professional in the mental health field that one of our basic needs as people in relationships is to be heard and taken seriously.  This begs the question, “How can I listen better?”  An excellent starting place is to listen in the way that you that you want to be heard.  If we want our partners, family members, or colleagues to listen to us in non-defensive, non-judgmental, open minded way, we must do our part to create that environment by listening to them as such. I am in no way excusing any form of abusive behavior.  The purpose of this piece is begin facilitating healing in relationships by attempting to shine light on the way we listen.

How’s That Working for You?

We all at one point in our lives have engaged in some habit(s) that did not work for us.  The list is long. Some of the most popular are avoidance, procrastination, addiction and aggression.  These habits formed to protect us emotionally in some way and as a result we become attached to them.  At some level they worked.  But for most of us there comes a time when they stop working.  That is, the habit that once served to protect us emotionally now is preventing us from having the relationships and life we desire.  Now what?  The solution has at least two parts: The first part is being aware of the old messages and urges and seeing them for what they are.  The second part is making a conscious choice as whether to engage in that old habit or to do something different, something that dose work for us now.  I quit smoking many years ago, yet to this day when I get upset one of the first things I want to do is have a cigarette.  I listen to the message under the urge which is generally, “I don’t want to feel this unpleasant feeling,” and choose not to smoke.  Instead I process by reflecting on what going on by taking a long walk, journaling, or seeking support.  The point is, it’s not about not having unhealthy messages or urges, it’s about seeing them for what they are and making choices that fit with our lives now and the lives and relationships we are trying to create.

The Value of Collaborative Relationships

Einstein stated, “Problems cannot be solved with the same mind set that created them.” Often we get stuck in patterns of thinking, feeling and acting that alone we are unable to solve or change.  The value of a healthy collaborative relationships whether with a therapist, friend, partner, or colleague is that in dialogue we can be exposed if we are open to it to another perspective,  one that ideally is not overly attached and committed to the mode that created the unsatisfactory way of thinking, feeling, and acting.  By allowing ourselves to be open to another’s perspective even if we do not agree, the simple act of allowing new information into our minds can serve as catalysts that begin the process of change we seek. That is, if we are open to new perspectives within healthy collaborative relationships, our mind set can change to solve the problems we seek to solve and heal and grow in the ways we desire.

Making Time and Stealing Time

One of the greatest joys in life is connecting and feeling connected with other people.  This is especially true of those we are closest to, our partner, children, friends, parents, colleagues.  Problems can arise when we do not make time to take care of these relationships, by simply making time to be with and connect with these people (whether in person, by phone, skype, et al.).  What tends to happen when the needs for connection are not being met in conscious and intentional ways is that we unconsciously meet these needs through arguments.  In some sense arguments work, especially with couples, because they generate and express passion and demand connection, sometimes for hours on end.  I call this type of connecting, “stealing time.”  However, as anyone who has ever experienced this will attest, this form of connecting is exhausting and frustrating.  We don’t need to operate in this way.  We can get our needs for connection met by making time in our busy schedules to connect with the people we care about.  A little planning, awareness and intention go a long way towards meeting our needs and being able truly enjoy those we care so much about.

The Importance of Appreciation

I often ask my clients what they believe to be the ratio of negative sentiments to positive sentiment expressed to their partner and family.  This often causes them to laugh as they take stock of the imbalance in expression.  It seems in the rush of life it is easy not to comment or express appreciation for the things that are working and the efforts that are being made.  The problem is if we generally are expressing dissatisfaction to those around us without expressing enough gratitude or appreciation the situation can feel negative and hopeless.  The good news is this is a relatively easy situation improve.  Think of all the things you do appreciate about the people around you whether they are your partner, child, colleague or friend.  Express more gratitude and appreciation to the people in your life.  This simple act will improve the quality your life and those around you and many cases this effort serves as the beginning of creating positive and healing communication.