A Positive Spin on Arguing

Many people do not enjoy arguing especial with their partner.  In my opinion the ability to upset and be upset by a partner can be seen as a measure of how much energy is in the system.  If you are still getting upset there is still a high level of engagement and connection.  The problem is people become exhausted and frustrated by this type of connection and engagement which leads to avoidance, drift, and apathy.  Many relationships end in the words of T.S. Elliot, “Not with a bang but with a whimper.”  People check out of the relationship.  The energy leaks out of the system.  People get tired of not changing, not being heard, not feeling understood, and respected and naturally begin to avoid theses frustrating situation.  Nothing can be solved through avoidance.  Relationships are living complicated multidimensional systems that demand energy to be sustained.  I advocate for fighting for these connections we hold so dear, in way that supports and enlivens the system.  Show up for the relationship by consciously and intentional using the strong feelings to transform the relationship into something that grows rather than taking the energy away from the system to let it wither.  “Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” writes Dylan Thomas.  While physical death may be inevitable, relationships are of another ilk and can be saved, enlivened, and transformed from a system that is not functioning well and causing pain to system that supports, encourages, and fosters all dimensions of growth.     

Everybody's Got a Mother

As far as I know there is only one way into this life and that is through being born.  In the words of James Brown, “Everybody’s got a mother and you know what I’m talkin’ about.”  In this way we are all the same and all equal. There is only one way in.  This is a human truth that does not depend on any of our subjective judgments based on class, race, religion, political party, career, neighborhood, etc.  Mother’s Day can be an opportunity not only to celebrate and acknowledge the mother’s we know and love, but also remind us of our core humanity that ideally keeps us humble and things in perspective.  

Going Through Hell

Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through Hell keep going.”  From the daily transitions from work to home to the larger life transitions of career  changes, graduations, having children, new relationships, moving etc, our lives are filled with transitions.  New transitions are especially difficult because the unknown frequently causes us anxiety.  In times of difficult transition whatever it may be (sleep deprivation from caring for a new born, divorce, becoming sober) it is important to remember that we possess the resiliency to get through the experience.  The fact is our resiliency has allowed to survive and often thrive through difficult transitions in the past and we can count on it to carry us through now and in the future.  Churchill’s statement is a call to wake up, remember and draw upon our resiliency.  Our “Hell” can be anything that we are struggling with, but he reminds us that it is something that can be passed through.  We do not need to stay in our suffering, we can “keep going” and learn what need to learn to come out on the other side. 

Unexpressed Anger

Resentment is one of the number one killers of relationships.  Unexpressed feelings of anger and irritation fester and grow like a cancer in the relationship creating a lens of negativity through which the relationship becomes viewed.  A healthy relationship is not one without conflict or anger (both are natural and normal experiences) it one in which each partner feels understood and supported.  There are many reasons people choose resentment over honesty and being forth coming.  Some of the most common are fear abandonment, fear of the other’s anger or reaction, and replicating family patterns of not expressing difficult feelings.  Regardless of the motivation, avoidance of addressing difficult feelings like anger prevents potential healing dialogue and behavioral changes.  Being able to express one’s feeling with the goal of being understood (not punishing) is one of the essential keys to a healthy relationship.  We owe it to ourselves and our partners to be honest in a respectful way that allows them to understand us.  They cannot read our minds.  As seductive as the fantasy of having a partner that intuitively knows all our feelings and how to soothe us is, attempting to act out this fantasy consistently yields the result of resentment.  We are no longer preverbal infants waiting for a parent to soothe us with food, a diaper change and holding, unable to express or meet our own needs.  We are adults capable of owning our feeling and needs and able to care of ourselves in a healthy way.  One essential form of self care is the respectful expression of difficult feelings to the end of understanding and problem solving.

Knowing Where We’re Coming From

When making decisions it very important to consider where we are coming from.  That is, knowing what is the underlying feeling that is propelling our decision. One way to assess where we are coming from is to ask our self, “Dose this choice feel expansive or contractive?” Choices based in fear feel contractive, and generally speaking keep us small and stuck, even if they feel safe.  Choices based on love, connection, creativity, compassion, empathy and understanding feel expansive and vast.  In trying to create the lives and relationships we want we need to be coming from an expansive and positive position even if it is scary and unfamiliar.  There is nothing wrong with being afraid; however, if we make choices based on fear we will get the same unsatisfying results:  The safety of familiar suffering.  We need not settle for this.  We can have the lives and relationships we seek by bravely pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone to expand into the realms of vastness, creativity, and love.

Raising the Bar

I have found personally and professionally that people are largely creatures of habit who will continue to engage in consistent routines of thought, behavior, and feelings until we are in so much pain that we can no longer continue with the old routine. This seems to be a large part of the human learning curve.  It is as if we are asleep at the wheel of our lives and do not wake up until we crash the car.  Fortunately most of the casualties of living an unconscious life are not fatal only painful.  When we have finally have had enough of the familiar and safe suffering of repetition, we become ready to make changes that push us out of our comfort zone.  We wake up and now are in a position to be intentional about our life choices.  A bar raising question that can help us to wake up without crashing the car is, “What kind of life and relationships do I want my child(ren) to have and am I living that example?”  It does not matter whether you have children or not to ask this question.  I found every time I have asked this question to a client whether they had children or not that the type of decent, ethical, respectful, loving, balanced lives that they described were of higher standard than what they were living and helped to create a vision worth working toward.

Avoidance and Honesty

Sometimes partners avoid certain difficult conversation or refrain from being honest because of wanting to please the other or fear of hurting the other's feelings.  Whenever we engage in avoidance we are setting the situation up to stay the same or fail.  The result of avoided conversations or conversation where we are not honest about our wants and needs is generally dissatisfaction for both partners.  Faking it does not work in the long run because it creates resentment.  We can be honest and respectful in owning our feelings and needs. We can listen to our partner's feelings and needs. And we can parse out ways we need to take care of ourselves from ways we can learn to improve our problem solving as a partnership.  The key is being honest with ourselves and then showing up for our partner by being honest.