The F*&%#ing Holidays

Once again the holidays are here.  For some they are a time of joy and gathering.  For many they are a time of stress because of the pressure and expectations of family.  The feelings of obligation to show up and play a role that we were cast in as a child but no longer identify with as an adult can be very frustrating.  The question we need to be asking ourselves to navigate the holidays with integrity is, “How can I be the person I want to be in the world?”  In asking this question we can become mindful and intentional about the way in which we navigate our interactions.  This is a stark contrast to simply acting out as the result of pressure; be it internal or external.  It puts us back in the driver’s seat.  As children we were reacting to the world the adults in our lives surround us with.  As conscious adults we do not need to wait for others to lead, we can choose our own direction and take responsibility for our behavior and emotional well being.  This holiday season I invite you to give yourself the gift of integrity by having a plan to take care of and stay coherent with yourself.  Be decent, loving, kind, and set boundaries.

Self Care

 In busy adult life, urban or not, self care is not something that just happens. What I mean by self care are the ways in which we take care of ourselves through spiritual, exercise, dietary, and creative practices. In the rush of life, with or without children, it is easy to slip into unhealthy routines of passive and toxic consumption (i.e. decompressing by watching television, having a drink, and/or smoking, eating fast food, or whatever is in the house). Unfortunately none of these activities actually recharge us; they just let us tune out for a moment or “not deal”. The fact of the matter is we feel better when we take care of ourselves and to do this requires planning and commitment. Some things in our schedules we cannot change (e.g., work and school schedules), but outside of those we can plan to exercise, do yoga, go to church, practice piano, read, eat in healthy way. In doing these types activities we actively recharge. I recommend starting small. Choose an area in your life that you have been neglecting and give it some attention by carving out time for it twice over the next week. See how you feel. Keep going.

Intention and Communication

Where we are coming from has a huge impact on the type of communication we have with others and the result of that communication. Often people are not aware of their intentions in communicating; they are simply doing what they do out of habit. This is being asleep at the wheel. As with most habits we don’t wake up to them until we have crashed the car. That is, something happens that is so painful that we can no longer continue to do things the same way. Once we wake up we have choices and can be intentional. In regards to communication a couple of habits that do not work for building healthy relationships are focusing on power (e.g. being right or winning) and avoidance (e.g. not addressing things out of fear). Awareness allows us to stay awake when communicating by focusing on our intention. Some examples of constructive intentions are to create understanding, to solve a problem, to create a sense of safety, and to connect. If we have constructive intentions for our communication we need not feel powerless to stop fruitless and even destructive patterns of communication. Whether the needed change is showing up instead of avoiding or stopping power struggles, or both, actions can be taken. The first part is stopping what is not working. The second part is having a different type of conversation, one that invites what we are seeking (i.e. understanding, connection, problem solving, safety). With awareness and intentionality we can not only stop old destructive habits, we can also engage in forms of communication that heal and foster growth. 

Leaves and Sails

A metaphor I frequently use when working with clients to discuss emotional awareness is: You can be a leaf in the wind or you can be a sailboat. That is, our internal emotional experience (the wind) is happening regardless of whether we are conscious of it or not. If we are not conscious of our emotional process we are a leaf in the wind being blown around by mysterious forces. Awareness in my opinion is 80% of change, the other 20% has to do with intentional choices and the actions those choices yield. As we become more aware of our emotional process we experience that while the wind may be powerful, it has patterns and in knowing them, we can set a course towards healing and growth. We need not be lost at sea nor leaves in the wind. This begs the question, “How can we better develop awareness of our emotional process?”  Journaling is generally recommended when beginning to work with clients. Take some time daily if possible to reflect and write about your emotional experience of the day. What feelings were brought up? What triggered them? What did it remind you of? The act of intentionally taking time to reflect and process with one’s self creates a space where we can begin to learn the patterns of our inner winds.

The Right Direction

Karen McCall in her book, Financial Recovery writes, “Going slowly in the right direction is enormously better than going in the wrong direction at any speed.”  While McCall is speaking specifically about debt reduction and financial health, the sentiment can be applied to any area of life we are working on.  Often when we begin a personal growth project we want to better or perfect immediately.  Whatever the project may be (i.e. anger management, sobriety, improved communication, healthy relationship with money, etc.) if we are working on it, that is being aware and intentional about change in a specific area and taking action, then we are going in the right direction.  Our “bad habits” and self defeating behaviors did not develop overnight and it is unrealistic to think that in simply being aware of them that they will vaporize.  It takes work.  But the work is of an empowering nature because it begs the question, “How can I meet my needs in a healthy way?”  The old “bad habits” are generally speaking just maladaptive efforts to meet basic emotional needs.  Real change, meaning change at a paradigm level happens when we look at our needs directly, acknowledge them, and take action meet them in conscious, healthy, and intentional way.

Overcoming Family Messages

Families by default and some intentionally indoctrinate their children into their ways.  Every family is a microculture.  We are often blind to the powerful influence of our upbringing and the examples set by those living in our households simply because as children we lacked perspective to see that there were and are other ways of being in the world than what was being modeled for us.  As adults we have the freedom to choose how we want to be in the world.  For many of us it is challenge to overcome strong messages expressed both verbally and in action by our families (i.e. “We do not do conflict,” “Your opinion does not matter,” “How you look is more important than how you feel,” “You need to be different than how you are to be loved,” etc.).  These messages have a certain kind of gravity, but if we are aware of them we can decide whether or not we follow their pull.  Being who we want to be in the world is the result of conscious and intentional choices.  We may always hear these messages and feel these pulls, but the messages become quieter and the pulls weaker as we see them for what they are and choose to take actions that lead to the life and relationships we desire.

Killed by Boredom

What a terrible and unnecessary fate for a relationship to be killed by boredom.   Here’s how it works.  Keep having the same conversations and arguments until all the energy is drained from the relationship and it shrivels up and dies.  I am consistently struck by how highly intelligent and creative people often do not use their creativity to work on their relationships.  Instead the approach is akin to the person frustrated by trying to give directions to a tourist who dose speak the language of the land choosing to raise their voice or yell the directions.  No amount of yelling is going to increase the tourist’s understanding.  The problem is the language barrier is preventing understanding.  There are many creative solutions to any problem.  If you find yourself having the same conversations or arguments the first thing is to stop and point it out.  Being able to comment on discourse puts us in a position to change the nature of the discourse.  Use your creativity to generate new material to add to the conversation.  Really listen to your partner to understand them and make them feel heard, instead of defensively figuring out how to dismiss what they are saying.  Being aware and intentional in our speaking and listening puts us in position to break out of unhealthy communication patterns by focusing on understanding, being understood, and connecting instead of unconsciously trying to get our need met through verbal force.