The Value of Collaborative Relationships

Einstein stated, “Problems cannot be solved with the same mind set that created them.” Often we get stuck in patterns of thinking, feeling and acting that alone we are unable to solve or change.  The value of a healthy collaborative relationships whether with a therapist, friend, partner, or colleague is that in dialogue we can be exposed if we are open to it to another perspective,  one that ideally is not overly attached and committed to the mode that created the unsatisfactory way of thinking, feeling, and acting.  By allowing ourselves to be open to another’s perspective even if we do not agree, the simple act of allowing new information into our minds can serve as catalysts that begin the process of change we seek. That is, if we are open to new perspectives within healthy collaborative relationships, our mind set can change to solve the problems we seek to solve and heal and grow in the ways we desire.

Making Time and Stealing Time

One of the greatest joys in life is connecting and feeling connected with other people.  This is especially true of those we are closest to, our partner, children, friends, parents, colleagues.  Problems can arise when we do not make time to take care of these relationships, by simply making time to be with and connect with these people (whether in person, by phone, skype, et al.).  What tends to happen when the needs for connection are not being met in conscious and intentional ways is that we unconsciously meet these needs through arguments.  In some sense arguments work, especially with couples, because they generate and express passion and demand connection, sometimes for hours on end.  I call this type of connecting, “stealing time.”  However, as anyone who has ever experienced this will attest, this form of connecting is exhausting and frustrating.  We don’t need to operate in this way.  We can get our needs for connection met by making time in our busy schedules to connect with the people we care about.  A little planning, awareness and intention go a long way towards meeting our needs and being able truly enjoy those we care so much about.

The Importance of Appreciation

I often ask my clients what they believe to be the ratio of negative sentiments to positive sentiment expressed to their partner and family.  This often causes them to laugh as they take stock of the imbalance in expression.  It seems in the rush of life it is easy not to comment or express appreciation for the things that are working and the efforts that are being made.  The problem is if we generally are expressing dissatisfaction to those around us without expressing enough gratitude or appreciation the situation can feel negative and hopeless.  The good news is this is a relatively easy situation improve.  Think of all the things you do appreciate about the people around you whether they are your partner, child, colleague or friend.  Express more gratitude and appreciation to the people in your life.  This simple act will improve the quality your life and those around you and many cases this effort serves as the beginning of creating positive and healing communication.

The Problem with Simple Stories

In her poem The Speed of Darkness, Muriel Rukeyser states “The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”  While Rukeyser’s position may seem extreme or even mystical it hard to argue with the fact that we use stories to make order of our life experiences.  We are telling ourselves stories all the time.  Our inner monologue is a running story.  A problem can occur in relations when we cease to engage in dialogue with another because we believe we know what the other is thinking and will do.  Unless one is clairvoyant, one does not know what another is thinking.  The stories we tell to ourselves about others when we are upset are generally too simple and do not give the other the benefit of the doubt.  People are vast and complicated, unfortunately, when we become angry we have a tendency to tell ourselves simple stories that cast the other as a two dimensional, malicious caricature.  These types of stories are static and generally serve to blame or be right.  When we engage in dialogue in the present with the intention of understanding and being understood we put ourselves in position to co-create stories that work.  One way to this is to own our feelings without blaming and to ask the other their intentions with genuine curiosity.

Breaking the Argument Cycle

What is the upside to arguing with those we with live with and care about?  We feel passion and connection (during the argument).  Unfortunately, we often do not reach a resolution or solution and feel hopeless to get out seemingly repeating and predictable conflicts.  These arguments can sometimes take hours and leave us drained with what some have referred to as an emotional hangover.  How can we stop these frustrating and draining interactions?  The first piece is to be aware of ourselves physically.  That is, notice when your heart rate is increasing.  If our heart rate is over 100 beats per minute we are not capable of having a reasonable conversation because our body has cued our brain to go into fight or flight mode. If we notice that our heart rate is increasing we can then take constructive action to stop the argument cycle.  First we can call a “time out,” by saying something to the effect of, “I feel myself getting very upset right now and need to take a walk to calm down. Let’s try and talk about this calmly in an hour [a couple hours, tomorrow, etc.]”   You will notice the time out has two parts: Part one is owning one’s feeling and stating what you are going to do to take care of yourself and not escalate the situation, and part two is statement of commitment to resolving the issue in a constructive and timely way.  Both parts are important in breaking the cycle.  While part one ideally stops the escalation, part two ensures the other person that we are not just walking out on or abandoning them which can lead to further escalation.

Following Through on Resolutions

The beginning of the New Year is time when many of us make resolutions to make positive changes in our lives (i.e. quit smoking, eat better, lose weight, exercise, be more patient, etc.).  The question is how we keep ourselves accountable to these goals throughout the year?  I believe clarity is the first step.  That is, clearly articulating our goals and writing them down.  The second step is writing down what needs to be done to achieve the goal and giving ourselves deadlines to achieve each step.  The third step is the ongoing process of following through and adjusting as necessary.  I highly recommend keeping a journal and writing reflections at least weekly on your frustrations and progress toward reaching the goals of 2013.  In taking time to briefly reflect even on a weekly basis on our goals even if we drift or become distracted we give ourselves the opportunity to redirect ourselves in the direction of our own goals.