Language of Possibility

The language we use with ourselves and with each other strongly effects how we feel.  When clients use the words “always” and “never” in a session to talk about themselves or their partners it is red flag for me signifying an area in which they are stuck.  It important to remember problems occur in time.  That is, there was a time before the current problem (or sense of being stuck) and there will be a time after it.  Additionally, the use of absolute language such as “always” and “never” rejects the idea that it is possible to change.  The story that is being told using “always” or “never” is just the one that is getting the most attention and causing the most frustration.  It is not the only story.  When we search our minds there are exceptions; times when we or our partner did not do whatever it is we are accusing them or ourselves of “always” or “never” doing.  Even if there are no exceptions in the past change is possible if people seek change.  Things can be done differently in the present and the future.  I strongly believe that as long as people are alive they can change, if change is what they seek.   A simple way to begin is to be aware of the use of absolute language and to try to use more of a language of possibility.  For example, instead of saying, “I can’t ______,” one could say, “I have not yet_____,” or “I find it very difficult to _______.”  We need not limit the stories we live and are creating through static language, when can speak and live a language of change and possibility.

Guilt and Forgiveness

Martin Buber tells a story in Tales of the Hasidim, in which a man goes to a Rabbi and asks, “In this age in which there are no prophets how do we know when our sins are forgiven?”  The Rabbi answers, “We stop committing them.” I find this an incredibly powerful story for addressing guilt.  As I have written many times people are creatures of habit and we generally do not change our patterns until they causes us so much pain that we must.  Our pain tells us something is wrong and we need to do something differently.  It’s evolutionary. We can learn from our pain to stop hurting ourselves and others.  Learning and changing is the gift of forgiveness that Buber addresses in this story.  When we pay attention to the pain we experience and the pain we cause others we are in position stop these ways of acting and being.  We need not continue to suffer and cause suffering once our pain or another’s has awakened us up to habits we are engaging in that are causing the suffering.  In being aware we can turn off autopilot of habit and consciously and intentionally make choices that make life better.

The Most Dangerous Idea

Émile Auguste Chartier writes (in French), “Nothing is more dangerous than an idea, when it's the only one we have.” What seems to trap us is our perspective, dogmas, and rigidity.  We forget the strange old expression that “there is more than one way to skin a cat.”  By limiting our creativity and perspective we limit our ability to solve problems (be it cat skinning or any other project).  We have the creativity and intelligence to solve our problems once we see that it is our attachment doing things the same way (even when it is no longer working) that is keeping us trapped.  There is always another way of solving a problem.  If you feel trapped try to take a step back to observe the habit or pattern.  Then try something different.  You know the results doing things the same way.  Any positive effort is a step in the right direction and the beginning of the change you seek.

Slow Down!

Too often we get ourselves in positions we regret as the result of rushing or responding with a disproportionate sense of urgency.  Most of us who are not doctors or emergency medical techincians are not making decisions that are matters of life and death.  When we get upset and our heart rate gets up our primal brain thinks we are in fact in a life threatening situation.  Responses from this state of mind are fight or flight; what is said and done is done with aggression and/or fear.   Our fight or flight instincts that helped us survive as cavemen and keep us from getting hit by cabs unfortunately do not help us to be understood or develop the relationships we desire.  Allowing ourselves to be understood requires that we take the time and space we need to become calm and clear.  When we are calm and clear we can discuss our feeling and needs in way that is respectful and constructive to our relationships.  Understanding does not happen through force, aggression, or avoidance.  It is invited when we create a sense of safety by demonstrating calmness, clarity, patience and a respectful desire to be understood and understand one another.

Staying in Character

Don’t be mean (i.e., yelling, cursing, nagging, or any the infinite number of non-constructive ways of aggressively or passive aggressively expressing anger).  I’m serious, it does not work.  There is an interesting expression that is part of our vernacular that people use to describe when they are upset and act out of anger. They say “He (or she) took me out of my character.”  The expression addresses that we have a common view of ourselves as decent, patient, intelligent, and loving, and that when we get upset and act of anger it is not coherent with how we see our core identity.  If you are not sociopathic it does not feel good to treat others disrespectfully.  We may feel justified in acting out of anger, but we do not feel good.  Perhaps the only thing we control in life is our own actions.  If we are to feel good about ourselves we must take full responsibility for the actions we take and take actions that are in line with how we see ourselves and the lives and relationships we want to build and sustain.  By staying in character and being our best and most decent self we do our part and need not continue to experience the regret and remorse of acting out of anger.

The Problem of Not Talking About It

Our mind spins endless narratives to explain the world and the people that surround us.  Too often in relationships when things have soured and the participants in the relationship are avoiding one another, all they are left with is a monologue that supports a case they are building against the other who has offended, upset, hurt or angered them.  People become very attached to these stories.  So much so that it not uncommon for me to hear in couples sessions one or both partners expressing the belief that they know their partner better than the partner knows themselves.  This is never the case.  The only person’s process and feelings that we will ever directly know in full and complete detail is our own.  Often helping relationships get unstuck has to with helping to bring the participants into dialogue in the present.  This has several components. Part one addresses the here and now:   Being aware of, owning, and being honest about one’s feelings.  And being able to listen, and allow the other the space to have their feelings, and to trust they are expressing the truth as they experience it. Part two addresses the unpacking of the cases that have been built during the period of avoidance.  I ask clients to own the cases they have built as the speculations they are (even if well founded in relationship history), and to pose the speculation as a question.  This takes the case out of the static monologue state and into the present where partners can dynamically engage and come to the understanding they seek.  In these discussions it frequently becomes clear the gap in understanding lies between the intention of one person and the interpretation of the other.  Dialogue is the bridge to understanding.  I can say with high probability, "If you don't talk about it. It won't change."  Be brave, honest and respectful. You can not only get unstuck, but you can transform your relationship.

Buds and Blossoms

Our instincts are generally correct in guiding us to the changes we need to lead healthier, more balanced, creative, connected, and loving lives, and yet the gravity of our habits of living and our fear of the unknown compel us not to.  That is, until we reach point in our lives beautifully described by Anis Nin, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  We know when we are ready to change.  Often it when we realize that the pain of not changing is worse than the fear of the unknown that we choose to cross that threshold.  Most of us are buds in some areas of our lives and blossoms in other.  Be brave and keep blooming.