Healthy Fantasy and Acceptance

Often I hear my clients judging themselves for wanting healthy relationships with people (parents, children, partners, friends, coworkers),  because the other person is not providing evidence that they are interested in participating in such a relationship.  This is where I encourage clients to distinguish between their healthy fantasies and how the actual person is currently able to show up for the relationship.  It is healthy and reasonable to want the people in our lives to be loving, understanding, supportive, respectful, decent, patient and kind.  I see these wants as a sign of health and sanity.  Unfortunately, not everyone in our lives is capable of participating in a healthy relationship.  Some people do not respect boundaries even when they are explicitly stated.  Some people are too narcissistic to be empathetic.  Some people are not ready to deal with their patterns of avoidance or addiction.  Don’t get me wrong, I would not be in the field of mental health if I did not believe that people can and do change.  It usually comes back to the old joke, “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? None…the light bulb has to want to change.”  The point is that it is healthy and sane to want healthy and sane relationships.  It is also important to understand that while we can set boundaries and invite people to have better relationships, it is also important to acknowledge and accept what other people are capable of.

The Power of Differentiation and the Value of Awareness

I looked up the meaning of "differentiation" and found it to be "the act of differentiating."  "Differentiating" was defined as "to form or mark differently from other such things; distinguish."  In the work I do with my clients differentiation refers to knowing what's one's stuff (emotionally) and what is another person's.  The more aware we are of our own internal processes, the more we are able to make conscious decisions and respect the essential humanity of others.  When we know how and why we are emotionally triggered, differentiation is happening on two levels:  First, we able to distinguish our feeling in the present from our feelings in the past from growing up in our family of origin.  This is our stuff.  Second, in seeing and owning our stuff we are able to see other people as real people, not as projections from our past.  This is liberating for everybody.  If we seek to have healthy relationships, differentiation is essential.  Without it we are playing out our stuff unconsciously on others.  We need not do this.  We can through therapy, recovery, and spiritual paths come to understand our inner workings.  This understanding allows us to see our emotional needs and take care of them in a healing, healthy and growthful manner.  Additionally, it creates a space to invite others to do the same

The Meaning and Importance of Pain

Gandhi stated something to the effect of, "I do not pray to stop my suffering. I pray to be worthy of it."  This may seem strange and masochistic.  My interpretation is that the meaning of pain and suffering is that something needs to change, something is out of balance.  We are creatures of habit who generally continue in our routines of thoughts and actions until they cause us so much grief that change is essential.  This is the gift of desperation that can lead to new awareness and healthier, more constructive thoughts and actions.  It seems pains and suffering is essential to the human learning process.  For this reason it makes sense to honor our pain and suffering as an invaluable teacher and not to simply seek to be rid ourselves of it or avoid it.  If pain leads to awareness and awareness leads to change, growth, and healing, it makes sense that Gandhi would pray to be worthy of participating is such a process.  In listening to our pain we can learn to understand what our needs are and how to take care of them in a way that leads to healing and growth.

It's Just Your Brain

We seem to take our brain and what it produces very personally; more so than any other organ.  I am of the belief that while we do not control our brain, we do control our intentions and our actions.  We are perceivers of our thoughts and feeling not the generators.  We do have influence over ourselves.  In being conscious of our intentions and choosing actions that are coherent with these intentions we able to create lives that have meaning and direction.  Our brains can frighten and offend us, but it is not who we are.  The more we understand the material our brain presents us with, the freer we are to build lives that make sense and are not driven by fear.  In being conscious we can learn to differentiate and not judge our brain, nor mistake what it shows us for who we are or what we are becoming.

Moving to Solutions

Being right doesn't matter.  We are all right and all doing the best we can with what we have.  In blaming and being righteous we give away our power to change and heal by staying stuck in the problem.  As a client of mine once said, "There is no problem that can't be solved if you break it down into small enough parts." Further, by focusing our energy and intentions on finding solutions we create movement which creates a space where solutions can evolve.  While we cannot control other people or the results of our actions, our power lies in our ability to consciously choose our intentions and our actions.  We need not stay stuck in the problem, nor have the same frustrating conversations repeatedly.  We can use the power we do have to seek and find solutions.

The Value of Discomfort

Often situations are not so direly painful that immediate change is necessary.   We feel discomfort.  Discomfort is very important information; it tells us we are out of our comfort zone.  This is good because it is only in pushing out of our comfort zones that we learn, heal, and grow.  Ideally the discomfort creates an awareness that challenges us to make choices and take responsibility for our lives.  We can choose the discomfort of not changing or the discomfort of changing and trying to create a life that makes sense.  The former is safe in the sense that it is familiar; the later challenges us to be honest with ourselves and those around us in new ways.  Since we are going to be uncomfortable either way it seems to make more sense to choose the discomfort that leads to healing and growth.  Either way it is important to remember that as adults we are free to choose whether we make changes in our lives or choose not to.  

New Chapters

The meaning of a new year depends on the person you ask.  To me one 0f the most powerful meanings is a new and intentional beginning.  We are largely creatures of habit that are only willing to change when we experience so much pain that we can no longer continue in the old habit.  A new year provides an opportunity to reflect on the successes and frustrations of the past year.  It is an opportunity to set our own trajectory rather waiting for pain to right the ship.  I encourage most of my clients to journal as a tool to develop awareness of their inner processes.  At the beginning of a new year I encourage everyone to think and write about their goals in terms of personal growth, spiritual and physical well being, relationships, and career.  If we have visions we can work towards them. Otherwise, in the words of Yogi Bera, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.”  You have the heart, courage, and intelligence for the journey.  Choose your path.