The Problem of Aggression

There is an expression in the recovery communities, “There is no problem that having a drink won’t make worse.”  In regards to interpersonal communication and relationships it can be stated with the same certainty, “There is no problem that adding aggression to won’t make worse.”  Aggression is a natural response to feeling challenged or threatened.  What does the feeling of aggression really tell us?  It tells us that we do not feel safe and we perceive a need to protect ourselves.  So what do we do when discussing finances, parenting, politics, household chores, or what we should have for dinner and we start to feel aggression? Nothing. Yes, do nothing.  The feeling of aggression tells us to act quickly and severely or we may be killed.  Unless you are in a physically abusive relationship this is not the case.  By taking a moment to not act and ask one’s self, “What do I need?”  we can actually take care of ourselves in ways that at worst are neutral and at best are healing to both people involved.  The question, “What do I need?” creates time and space, most importantly it brings our thinking out of the primal fight or flight zone (lower brain) to the prefrontal cortex (upper brain) where reason, language and problem solving happen.  Aggression’s purpose is to keep us alive.  This is the lowest base line.  To be in healthy relationships with other humans it is not an effective tool when acted on directly.  On the other hand it can be transformative if we stop the roaring diesel train of aggression and begin to look inside the cars.  Who’s in there?  What’s in there?  All feeling convey important information.   For the information to be useful we must reflect before we act.  The question, “What do I need?” is one little tool to decode and transform aggression into something constructive that we can act upon.

Learning to Be Honest

The first definition of honest in Webster’s dictionary is “free from fraud and deception.”  What prevents us from being honest with ourselves and others?  It is my personal and professional experience that fear is the primary obstacle that separates us from honesty.  We lie to others because we are afraid of their reactions or we want to be seen a certain way.  We lie to ourselves generally to create alignment between our actions and our sense of identity when these two are in fact not in alignment.  One type of dishonesty is justifying acting out of anger.  With the exception of genuine sociopaths people are decent and prefer to been seen that way.  When we yell, curse, or act vindictively towards another we are not being decent.  There are many ways to bring our actions into alignment with our essential identity as a decent person.  The first is to acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions when they are out of alignment.  The second is to make conscious and intentional efforts to take actions that are a reflection of our essential identity.  As humans we seem to be primarily interested in making changes when we can no longer tolerate the pain.  When we shift the focus from justifying behaviors that are not coherent with how we want to see ourselves and want to be seen to focusing on being coherent with our essential identity we are making the shift toward internal alignment and honesty.

Trust, Fear, and Being Scared

Fear and being scared have different meaning within the work we do to heal.  Fear is the feeling connected with our emotional history.  It tells us we cannot or should not do certain things because there has been bad or unpleasant results in the past.  A commonly experienced fear is that of trusting other people.  If our parents were not emotionally available, or we were in some way violated emotionally or physically as a child or in earlier relationships our brain which is primarily interested in its own survival can come to the conclusion that people are not to be trusted.  While this type of emotional logic may have kept us safe in our younger lives it does not serve us in our efforts to heal, connect, and have relationships that are expansive.  I am not suggesting that caution be thrown to the wind and that everyone is to be trusted.  What I am suggesting is that we limit ourselves by relying too much on old emotional logic.  We can go further.  If we want to grow and heal we must go further.  This is where being scared comes in.  New experiences often are scary for the simple reason that they are new.  When we bravely try new behaviors to connect and allow others to connect with us we are co-creating relationships with others.  While we cannot control another person, we can show up with the intention to be open and honest and invite another to share that space.  In so doing we allow our brain to experience that do not need to avoid connection to be safe.  As adults we can set boundaries with others and take care of ourselves.  New is not bad, it just unknown and as such can be scary.  It is the path of growth and healing.  The safety of the restriction and limitation resulting from our fearfully over cautious brains begs us to stay in the known with the absence of action.  If we want change and connection we need to be willing to take new actions and bravely step into the unknown.

Dealing with Our Feral Brain

Our brain for all of its complexity has one objective- survival.  As such it often processes information (which is all emotions are) in theses terms.  It tells us things like, “You must have you way now or you are going to die,” “This person must understand me now or I am going to die.”  It’s very dramatic.  The problem is when we attempt to create a sense of safety through force it consistently yields the opposite of what we want.  Others feel threatened and respond defensively.  Escalation ensues and nobody feels safe.  What can be done?  When we are emotionally triggered we need to take a deep breath and tell our brain something to the effect of, “I am an adult.  I am safe and I can take care of myself.”  We cannot extract safety from another person.  When we are centered and grounded in ourselves, we are then in a position to invite others to understand us.  It takes a lot of practice, but each time we push our brain out of its comfort zone and we do not die it learns to be more flexible and less fearful.  The practice becomes easier.  The positive feedback loop encourages us to continue.  If you have begun on this path I encourage you to continue.  If you have not yet I encourage you to start and assure you it gets better.

Better Relationships in 2015

How can we make our relationships more expansive?  We must let go of the idea that we can control other people and force our will upon them.  The only things we have control over are our intentions and our actions.  That is our part and as adults we are fully responsible for it at all times.  When we show up honestly and curiously to our relationships we create a space and invitation for others to honestly be themselves with us.  When we feel misunderstood or hurt we need to remember what we really want is understanding and connection not to control or punish.  The safety we seek through attempting to control and punish others simply does not work.  Safety is built by consistently showing up in a manner that respects another’s essential dignity.  In taking full responsibility for ourselves and being compassionate and respectful with others space unfolds in which we can connect, grow and heal.

Something for You

The holiday season has a way of making many of us feel a little (or a lot) crazy.  Financial pressure, family expectations, colder weather, shorter days, changes in routines all can lead us to feeling out of balance.  When we are not centered and feeling stress we have a tendency to act out in various ways (i.e. being short with people, drinking too much, or being obsessively busy).  The question is, “How can we stay centered during the holidays?”  The answer lies in all the things you do during the rest of the year to be centered.  For example, exercise, creative practices, yoga, meditation, and other spiritual practices.  These are not “extras” to be cast aside between Thanksgiving and New Years.  Self care in this form is essential at this time of year for our emotional well being.  In taking care our selves physically, creatively, and spiritually we intentionally create a positive space where we feel centered and grounded.  This stands in stark contrast to numbing our feelings with alcohol, pushing people away by acting aggressively, or avoiding people through busyness; all of which are maladaptive ways of creating space.  I believe people know how to take care of themselves.  To feel good and not act out during the holidays we must remember to continue (and perhaps increase) our self care in the form of spiritual, creative, and physical health practices.

The Gift of Connection

Connection is one of the most important human experiences.  It is the foundation of trust.  So what can we do to increase our sense of connection and invite others to connect with us?  One answer is that we can intentionally and actively seek it.  To do so our actions and communications need to be honest, respectful, and consistent.  We need to be both more humble and more curious when it comes to other people.  Dialogue guided by internal questions like, "Who is this person?", "What matters to them?" "What do they find interesting?" "What is meaningful?"can create a space to engage and exchange thoughts and feelings.  The participation in this process is connection.  When we feel safe and it is appropriate we can increase connection by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by being honest about feelings and other deeply personal experiences.  When this type of honesty is received with interest, compassion, and without judgment we truly experience empathy, or in the words of  Siegel and Bryson, we "feel felt." Connection is a process of both giving and receiving.  We give in being honest, respectful and consistent, and we receive in learning about others through benevolent curiosity.  Connection cannot be forced.  It can only be invited.