Breaking the Argument Cycle

What is the upside to arguing with those we with live with and care about?  We feel passion and connection (during the argument).  Unfortunately, we often do not reach a resolution or solution and feel hopeless to get out seemingly repeating and predictable conflicts.  These arguments can sometimes take hours and leave us drained with what some have referred to as an emotional hangover.  How can we stop these frustrating and draining interactions?  The first piece is to be aware of ourselves physically.  That is, notice when your heart rate is increasing.  If our heart rate is over 100 beats per minute we are not capable of having a reasonable conversation because our body has cued our brain to go into fight or flight mode. If we notice that our heart rate is increasing we can then take constructive action to stop the argument cycle.  First we can call a “time out,” by saying something to the effect of, “I feel myself getting very upset right now and need to take a walk to calm down. Let’s try and talk about this calmly in an hour [a couple hours, tomorrow, etc.]”   You will notice the time out has two parts: Part one is owning one’s feeling and stating what you are going to do to take care of yourself and not escalate the situation, and part two is statement of commitment to resolving the issue in a constructive and timely way.  Both parts are important in breaking the cycle.  While part one ideally stops the escalation, part two ensures the other person that we are not just walking out on or abandoning them which can lead to further escalation.

Following Through on Resolutions

The beginning of the New Year is time when many of us make resolutions to make positive changes in our lives (i.e. quit smoking, eat better, lose weight, exercise, be more patient, etc.).  The question is how we keep ourselves accountable to these goals throughout the year?  I believe clarity is the first step.  That is, clearly articulating our goals and writing them down.  The second step is writing down what needs to be done to achieve the goal and giving ourselves deadlines to achieve each step.  The third step is the ongoing process of following through and adjusting as necessary.  I highly recommend keeping a journal and writing reflections at least weekly on your frustrations and progress toward reaching the goals of 2013.  In taking time to briefly reflect even on a weekly basis on our goals even if we drift or become distracted we give ourselves the opportunity to redirect ourselves in the direction of our own goals.

An Intentional New Year

One of the problems of living in place like New York is the pace.  It’s fast. And as a result it is very easy to fall into habits from the mere need to try and keep one’s head above the water.  While these habits may get us by day to day they may not be sustainable in the long run.  We may be neglecting ourselves, our partner, or our children.  The logistical demands on time are real.  And for this reason it is only through intentionally blocking out time for ourselves, our partner, and our children that we can seek balance within our demanding urban lives.  How we spend our time outside of work is our choice.  Yes, children have needs, and chores need to be done, but as the adults running the home we can make a plan that works.  A plan in which we take care of ourselves physically, and mentally, where we able to make time to be present with our partner and our children. This does not happen by accident.  It happens with the intention of balance manifesting in a plan that is pursued and modified as needed. 

The Gift of Understanding

One of the problems of long lasting relationships like those with our families of origin, our spouse, or our children is that behaviors and conversations often become routine.  Because of the long history of relatively consistent behavioral and conversational responses we often come to think that we actually know what the other person is thinking.  Unless one is clairvoyant (which most of us aren’t), we do not know what anyone else is thinking unless they explicitly state it.  Why bring this up in series of posts intended to be supportive during the holidays?   I bring it up in hopes that people will engage in new conversations this holiday season.  That instead of assuming one knows the thoughts of another, that they pose their speculations (however well historically founded) as such and ask questions.  In asking questions, owning our own speculation and listening with the intention to understand, dialogue comes into the present.  The present is where we find the connection and understanding we seek.  One of the greatest gifts we can give this holiday season is act in a way that allows ourselves and those we care about to feel connected and understood.

Family Communication

Much holiday dread seems to come from the fear of having to play roles that no longer fit.  That in being with our family of origin we have to play the role they expected of us.  That in spite of all of our personal growth and development as adults since leaving our homes, some of us are still treated as the same younger person we were when we left.  Marianne Williamson writes, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.”  Allow yourself to be yourself.  This is leading by example.  We can be honest and respectful.  In so doing we gives others permission to be themselves.  This is the nature of truly intimate relations.

Be the Change You Want to See

Gandhi stated, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  Why bring up this quote during the holiday season?  Because it my understanding is that much of holiday stress is related to things feeling out of control.  Whether it is related to finical pressures to give gifts, or family pressures to play roles we are no longer comfortable with, there can be a feeling of being imposed upon.  It is up to us as adults to set appropriate boundaries and take care of ourselves.  We cannot control family expectations or pressures, but we can be honest, and decent and respectful; in doing so we stand strong in our integrity.  By consciously taking care of ourselves, we can turn down invitations to play roles that no longer fit. Allowing us to be more honest and present with those we love.  Your greatest gift to yourself and those who surround you is your integrity.  Let it respectfully guide you.