Trust, Fear, and Being Scared

Fear and being scared have different meaning within the work we do to heal.  Fear is the feeling connected with our emotional history.  It tells us we cannot or should not do certain things because there has been bad or unpleasant results in the past.  A commonly experienced fear is that of trusting other people.  If our parents were not emotionally available, or we were in some way violated emotionally or physically as a child or in earlier relationships our brain which is primarily interested in its own survival can come to the conclusion that people are not to be trusted.  While this type of emotional logic may have kept us safe in our younger lives it does not serve us in our efforts to heal, connect, and have relationships that are expansive.  I am not suggesting that caution be thrown to the wind and that everyone is to be trusted.  What I am suggesting is that we limit ourselves by relying too much on old emotional logic.  We can go further.  If we want to grow and heal we must go further.  This is where being scared comes in.  New experiences often are scary for the simple reason that they are new.  When we bravely try new behaviors to connect and allow others to connect with us we are co-creating relationships with others.  While we cannot control another person, we can show up with the intention to be open and honest and invite another to share that space.  In so doing we allow our brain to experience that do not need to avoid connection to be safe.  As adults we can set boundaries with others and take care of ourselves.  New is not bad, it just unknown and as such can be scary.  It is the path of growth and healing.  The safety of the restriction and limitation resulting from our fearfully over cautious brains begs us to stay in the known with the absence of action.  If we want change and connection we need to be willing to take new actions and bravely step into the unknown.

Dealing with Our Feral Brain

Our brain for all of its complexity has one objective- survival.  As such it often processes information (which is all emotions are) in theses terms.  It tells us things like, “You must have you way now or you are going to die,” “This person must understand me now or I am going to die.”  It’s very dramatic.  The problem is when we attempt to create a sense of safety through force it consistently yields the opposite of what we want.  Others feel threatened and respond defensively.  Escalation ensues and nobody feels safe.  What can be done?  When we are emotionally triggered we need to take a deep breath and tell our brain something to the effect of, “I am an adult.  I am safe and I can take care of myself.”  We cannot extract safety from another person.  When we are centered and grounded in ourselves, we are then in a position to invite others to understand us.  It takes a lot of practice, but each time we push our brain out of its comfort zone and we do not die it learns to be more flexible and less fearful.  The practice becomes easier.  The positive feedback loop encourages us to continue.  If you have begun on this path I encourage you to continue.  If you have not yet I encourage you to start and assure you it gets better.

Better Relationships in 2015

How can we make our relationships more expansive?  We must let go of the idea that we can control other people and force our will upon them.  The only things we have control over are our intentions and our actions.  That is our part and as adults we are fully responsible for it at all times.  When we show up honestly and curiously to our relationships we create a space and invitation for others to honestly be themselves with us.  When we feel misunderstood or hurt we need to remember what we really want is understanding and connection not to control or punish.  The safety we seek through attempting to control and punish others simply does not work.  Safety is built by consistently showing up in a manner that respects another’s essential dignity.  In taking full responsibility for ourselves and being compassionate and respectful with others space unfolds in which we can connect, grow and heal.

Something for You

The holiday season has a way of making many of us feel a little (or a lot) crazy.  Financial pressure, family expectations, colder weather, shorter days, changes in routines all can lead us to feeling out of balance.  When we are not centered and feeling stress we have a tendency to act out in various ways (i.e. being short with people, drinking too much, or being obsessively busy).  The question is, “How can we stay centered during the holidays?”  The answer lies in all the things you do during the rest of the year to be centered.  For example, exercise, creative practices, yoga, meditation, and other spiritual practices.  These are not “extras” to be cast aside between Thanksgiving and New Years.  Self care in this form is essential at this time of year for our emotional well being.  In taking care our selves physically, creatively, and spiritually we intentionally create a positive space where we feel centered and grounded.  This stands in stark contrast to numbing our feelings with alcohol, pushing people away by acting aggressively, or avoiding people through busyness; all of which are maladaptive ways of creating space.  I believe people know how to take care of themselves.  To feel good and not act out during the holidays we must remember to continue (and perhaps increase) our self care in the form of spiritual, creative, and physical health practices.

The Gift of Connection

Connection is one of the most important human experiences.  It is the foundation of trust.  So what can we do to increase our sense of connection and invite others to connect with us?  One answer is that we can intentionally and actively seek it.  To do so our actions and communications need to be honest, respectful, and consistent.  We need to be both more humble and more curious when it comes to other people.  Dialogue guided by internal questions like, "Who is this person?", "What matters to them?" "What do they find interesting?" "What is meaningful?"can create a space to engage and exchange thoughts and feelings.  The participation in this process is connection.  When we feel safe and it is appropriate we can increase connection by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by being honest about feelings and other deeply personal experiences.  When this type of honesty is received with interest, compassion, and without judgment we truly experience empathy, or in the words of  Siegel and Bryson, we "feel felt." Connection is a process of both giving and receiving.  We give in being honest, respectful and consistent, and we receive in learning about others through benevolent curiosity.  Connection cannot be forced.  It can only be invited.  

The Problem of Kid Logic

Most of the parts of our lives that aren't working are the result of overextended kid logic. Some call it "defense mechanisms" others call it "defects of character."  To survive the emotional intensity of childhood we needed to create a logic (or narrative) that would give us a sense of order, control and safety.  As children are egocentric, so is their logic.  An extreme but typical example is, "If I were a better kid, my parents would not be getting divorced."  As adults we can see that we were not in control of our care givers or our environment, nonetheless the messages of kid logic continue to influence our adult perception and choices.  Messages like, "I am not enough," "I am unlovable," "People cannot be trusted," were created to protect and serve us.  They do not serve us as adults; they only serve to keep us in the familiar discomfort of  recreating situations that "prove" these messages to be true.  The question is, "How can we treat ourselves and others as an adult in the present?"  Awareness is the answer.  It's not about our brain not generating these messages.  It's about seeing these messages for what they are- kid logic which is driven by fear and the desire to feel safe.  As conscious adults we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do I need?  And how can I take care of myself in a healthy way?"  To move past our kid logic I often recommend to my clients that they write a letter to their younger self expressing appreciation for all the hard work they have done and to let them know that you are an adult now and can take care of yourself.  We can take care of ourselves as conscious adults and meet our needs in healthy ways.  The more we can recognize our fear based kid logic, the more opportunities we have to make decisions driven by chosen intentions rather than reacting to childhood fears.  In so doing, we can build the lives and relationships we seek.

Aggression, Safety, and Control

Generally when we express aggression it is because we are attempting to force an outcome we desire that part of our brain believes will make us feel safe.  It is our lower or "reptile brain" at work.  Siegel and Bryson explain in the book No-Drama Discipline that our lower brain seeks survival through the limited options of "fight, flight, freeze, or faint."  When we act aggressively we trigger the reptile brain in others.  They refer to this as "poking the lizard."  We will never achieve the safety we seek through aggression.   The fact is, we cannot control another person (nor should we try).  Safety comes from a sense of trust gained through connecting and engaging with another consistently over time.  Thus, if we wish to feel safe we need to learn to connect and engage with what Siegel and Bryson refer to as the "upstairs brain," where compassion, empathy, reason and higher order thinking dwell.  While No-Drama Disciple is a book intended to help parents connect and direct their children to learn to develop their problem-solving, make good choices, and manage their feeling in a healthy way, these are not just good ideas about parenting, but good ideas for fostering any healthy relationship.  We get more of what we want (i.e. love, understanding, respect) when we focus on how to connect and engage with others.  As for control: We control our actions and our intentions.  We do not control the results.  The more we can stay in our upstairs brain, the more we can engage the upstairs brain in others.  We do not have to use aggression, which is counterproductive to the safety and connection we actually seek.