Behind the Aggression

Aggression and anger are natural feelings we all have.  They are loud and demanding feelings.  In fact they are so loud and demanding that we often do not hear the more vulnerable need that anger and aggression are protecting us from feeling.  There is no conversation which aggression improves or need it actually satisfies unless we are sadists or sociopathic.  To get behind the aggression we must slow down and reflect before choosing our words and actions.  Slow down, slow down, sloooow down.  In slowing down we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do I need?" "What is the quiet feeling behind the aggression?"  When we slow down we can learn to see and be honest with ourselves and others about our feelings and needs in a way that actually works.  Sometimes when we ask these questions we may be surprised to find simple physical needs like feeling hungry or tired and  the clear ways of meeting those needs of eating or resting.  Other times the need will be of an emotional nature, for example wanting to feel safe, connected, understood, or accepted.   When we are clear and honest with ourselves about the need behind the aggression we can begin to seek constructive solutions to address those needs.  Questions like, "How can I speak to this person in a way that I will allow them to understand me?" "What can I do to feel connected at this time?"  "What do I need to feel emotionally safe?"  help us take care of and be honest with ourselves and allow us to be honest with others.  Honesty demands courage, courage that is rewarded by feelings of integrity and genuinely connecting with others. 

Coming to Our Senses

The expression “I came to my senses” is interesting and important for a number of reasons.  One dimension of the expression is that there is a strong implication that reason and intellect are not enough to feel or be sane in any given situation.  That at least part of what grounds us is being present with our sensory experience.  The habits of the mind in modern (especially urban) culture are to always be racing, planning, multitasking to end of being more productive and efficient.  We call this ambition.  The problem is when we spend too much time in the realms of the future we become disconnected from experiencing the world as it is right now in the present.  When we are disconnected with our senses we are disconnected from an important part of ourselves that keeps us grounded and centered.  The more grounded and centered we are the better we can connect with others.  So how can we come to our senses?  One way is to intentionally acknowledge the sensory experiences we are constantly having (i.e. how my clothes  feel on my body, how it feels to sit in this chair, how the air smells, how my food tastes, what are the colors and shapes in my field of vision?).  Another way is to intentionally seek specific sensory experiences (i.e. smelling the roses, making mash potatoes with your hands, watching clouds, slowly eating and tasting your food, listening to music with your eyes closed).  If we are seeking to connect with others we are in a better position to do so if we first connect with ourselves by coming to our senses.

The Value of Confusion

When clients tell me they feel confused, I generally tell them, “Confusion is wonderful.”  This comment is often met with laughter or a quizzical look.   I go on to explain, “The feeling of confusion tells us we have left the known.”  The known that most of my clients are leaving is the familiar discomfort of unhealthy habits of behavior (i.e. codependent/ enabling relationships, addiction, dysfunctional work environments).   The known often has to do with compulsively acting in certain fear based ways to avoid difficult feelings.  For the codependent this might mean saying, “Yes” to things they may feel are not right for fear of disapproval or abandonment. For the addict, it may mean choosing to numb difficult feelings through drugs and alcohol.  For those in dysfunctional work environments it may mean continuing to “try to make it work” for fear of change.  Our worst decisions are fear based. Fear tells us if we experience certain feelings we actually die. This is not the case.  Nor is this variety of fear based in adult experience.  This variety of fear is derived from childhood experience when we did not have the tools or perspective to take care of ourselves.  As adults we can recognize how our fear based decisions hurt us and others.  We can consciously and intentionally leave this familiar known and bravely step into the realm of honesty and self care.  I often find clients are not really confused they are just experiencing the growing pains of letting go of fear based habits and moving toward honesty and healing.

The Problem of Aggression

There is an expression in the recovery communities, “There is no problem that having a drink won’t make worse.”  In regards to interpersonal communication and relationships it can be stated with the same certainty, “There is no problem that adding aggression to won’t make worse.”  Aggression is a natural response to feeling challenged or threatened.  What does the feeling of aggression really tell us?  It tells us that we do not feel safe and we perceive a need to protect ourselves.  So what do we do when discussing finances, parenting, politics, household chores, or what we should have for dinner and we start to feel aggression? Nothing. Yes, do nothing.  The feeling of aggression tells us to act quickly and severely or we may be killed.  Unless you are in a physically abusive relationship this is not the case.  By taking a moment to not act and ask one’s self, “What do I need?”  we can actually take care of ourselves in ways that at worst are neutral and at best are healing to both people involved.  The question, “What do I need?” creates time and space, most importantly it brings our thinking out of the primal fight or flight zone (lower brain) to the prefrontal cortex (upper brain) where reason, language and problem solving happen.  Aggression’s purpose is to keep us alive.  This is the lowest base line.  To be in healthy relationships with other humans it is not an effective tool when acted on directly.  On the other hand it can be transformative if we stop the roaring diesel train of aggression and begin to look inside the cars.  Who’s in there?  What’s in there?  All feeling convey important information.   For the information to be useful we must reflect before we act.  The question, “What do I need?” is one little tool to decode and transform aggression into something constructive that we can act upon.

Learning to Be Honest

The first definition of honest in Webster’s dictionary is “free from fraud and deception.”  What prevents us from being honest with ourselves and others?  It is my personal and professional experience that fear is the primary obstacle that separates us from honesty.  We lie to others because we are afraid of their reactions or we want to be seen a certain way.  We lie to ourselves generally to create alignment between our actions and our sense of identity when these two are in fact not in alignment.  One type of dishonesty is justifying acting out of anger.  With the exception of genuine sociopaths people are decent and prefer to been seen that way.  When we yell, curse, or act vindictively towards another we are not being decent.  There are many ways to bring our actions into alignment with our essential identity as a decent person.  The first is to acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions when they are out of alignment.  The second is to make conscious and intentional efforts to take actions that are a reflection of our essential identity.  As humans we seem to be primarily interested in making changes when we can no longer tolerate the pain.  When we shift the focus from justifying behaviors that are not coherent with how we want to see ourselves and want to be seen to focusing on being coherent with our essential identity we are making the shift toward internal alignment and honesty.

Trust, Fear, and Being Scared

Fear and being scared have different meaning within the work we do to heal.  Fear is the feeling connected with our emotional history.  It tells us we cannot or should not do certain things because there has been bad or unpleasant results in the past.  A commonly experienced fear is that of trusting other people.  If our parents were not emotionally available, or we were in some way violated emotionally or physically as a child or in earlier relationships our brain which is primarily interested in its own survival can come to the conclusion that people are not to be trusted.  While this type of emotional logic may have kept us safe in our younger lives it does not serve us in our efforts to heal, connect, and have relationships that are expansive.  I am not suggesting that caution be thrown to the wind and that everyone is to be trusted.  What I am suggesting is that we limit ourselves by relying too much on old emotional logic.  We can go further.  If we want to grow and heal we must go further.  This is where being scared comes in.  New experiences often are scary for the simple reason that they are new.  When we bravely try new behaviors to connect and allow others to connect with us we are co-creating relationships with others.  While we cannot control another person, we can show up with the intention to be open and honest and invite another to share that space.  In so doing we allow our brain to experience that do not need to avoid connection to be safe.  As adults we can set boundaries with others and take care of ourselves.  New is not bad, it just unknown and as such can be scary.  It is the path of growth and healing.  The safety of the restriction and limitation resulting from our fearfully over cautious brains begs us to stay in the known with the absence of action.  If we want change and connection we need to be willing to take new actions and bravely step into the unknown.

Dealing with Our Feral Brain

Our brain for all of its complexity has one objective- survival.  As such it often processes information (which is all emotions are) in theses terms.  It tells us things like, “You must have you way now or you are going to die,” “This person must understand me now or I am going to die.”  It’s very dramatic.  The problem is when we attempt to create a sense of safety through force it consistently yields the opposite of what we want.  Others feel threatened and respond defensively.  Escalation ensues and nobody feels safe.  What can be done?  When we are emotionally triggered we need to take a deep breath and tell our brain something to the effect of, “I am an adult.  I am safe and I can take care of myself.”  We cannot extract safety from another person.  When we are centered and grounded in ourselves, we are then in a position to invite others to understand us.  It takes a lot of practice, but each time we push our brain out of its comfort zone and we do not die it learns to be more flexible and less fearful.  The practice becomes easier.  The positive feedback loop encourages us to continue.  If you have begun on this path I encourage you to continue.  If you have not yet I encourage you to start and assure you it gets better.

Better Relationships in 2015

How can we make our relationships more expansive?  We must let go of the idea that we can control other people and force our will upon them.  The only things we have control over are our intentions and our actions.  That is our part and as adults we are fully responsible for it at all times.  When we show up honestly and curiously to our relationships we create a space and invitation for others to honestly be themselves with us.  When we feel misunderstood or hurt we need to remember what we really want is understanding and connection not to control or punish.  The safety we seek through attempting to control and punish others simply does not work.  Safety is built by consistently showing up in a manner that respects another’s essential dignity.  In taking full responsibility for ourselves and being compassionate and respectful with others space unfolds in which we can connect, grow and heal.

Something for You

The holiday season has a way of making many of us feel a little (or a lot) crazy.  Financial pressure, family expectations, colder weather, shorter days, changes in routines all can lead us to feeling out of balance.  When we are not centered and feeling stress we have a tendency to act out in various ways (i.e. being short with people, drinking too much, or being obsessively busy).  The question is, “How can we stay centered during the holidays?”  The answer lies in all the things you do during the rest of the year to be centered.  For example, exercise, creative practices, yoga, meditation, and other spiritual practices.  These are not “extras” to be cast aside between Thanksgiving and New Years.  Self care in this form is essential at this time of year for our emotional well being.  In taking care our selves physically, creatively, and spiritually we intentionally create a positive space where we feel centered and grounded.  This stands in stark contrast to numbing our feelings with alcohol, pushing people away by acting aggressively, or avoiding people through busyness; all of which are maladaptive ways of creating space.  I believe people know how to take care of themselves.  To feel good and not act out during the holidays we must remember to continue (and perhaps increase) our self care in the form of spiritual, creative, and physical health practices.

The Gift of Connection

Connection is one of the most important human experiences.  It is the foundation of trust.  So what can we do to increase our sense of connection and invite others to connect with us?  One answer is that we can intentionally and actively seek it.  To do so our actions and communications need to be honest, respectful, and consistent.  We need to be both more humble and more curious when it comes to other people.  Dialogue guided by internal questions like, "Who is this person?", "What matters to them?" "What do they find interesting?" "What is meaningful?"can create a space to engage and exchange thoughts and feelings.  The participation in this process is connection.  When we feel safe and it is appropriate we can increase connection by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by being honest about feelings and other deeply personal experiences.  When this type of honesty is received with interest, compassion, and without judgment we truly experience empathy, or in the words of  Siegel and Bryson, we "feel felt." Connection is a process of both giving and receiving.  We give in being honest, respectful and consistent, and we receive in learning about others through benevolent curiosity.  Connection cannot be forced.  It can only be invited.  

The Problem of Kid Logic

Most of the parts of our lives that aren't working are the result of overextended kid logic. Some call it "defense mechanisms" others call it "defects of character."  To survive the emotional intensity of childhood we needed to create a logic (or narrative) that would give us a sense of order, control and safety.  As children are egocentric, so is their logic.  An extreme but typical example is, "If I were a better kid, my parents would not be getting divorced."  As adults we can see that we were not in control of our care givers or our environment, nonetheless the messages of kid logic continue to influence our adult perception and choices.  Messages like, "I am not enough," "I am unlovable," "People cannot be trusted," were created to protect and serve us.  They do not serve us as adults; they only serve to keep us in the familiar discomfort of  recreating situations that "prove" these messages to be true.  The question is, "How can we treat ourselves and others as an adult in the present?"  Awareness is the answer.  It's not about our brain not generating these messages.  It's about seeing these messages for what they are- kid logic which is driven by fear and the desire to feel safe.  As conscious adults we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do I need?  And how can I take care of myself in a healthy way?"  To move past our kid logic I often recommend to my clients that they write a letter to their younger self expressing appreciation for all the hard work they have done and to let them know that you are an adult now and can take care of yourself.  We can take care of ourselves as conscious adults and meet our needs in healthy ways.  The more we can recognize our fear based kid logic, the more opportunities we have to make decisions driven by chosen intentions rather than reacting to childhood fears.  In so doing, we can build the lives and relationships we seek.

Aggression, Safety, and Control

Generally when we express aggression it is because we are attempting to force an outcome we desire that part of our brain believes will make us feel safe.  It is our lower or "reptile brain" at work.  Siegel and Bryson explain in the book No-Drama Discipline that our lower brain seeks survival through the limited options of "fight, flight, freeze, or faint."  When we act aggressively we trigger the reptile brain in others.  They refer to this as "poking the lizard."  We will never achieve the safety we seek through aggression.   The fact is, we cannot control another person (nor should we try).  Safety comes from a sense of trust gained through connecting and engaging with another consistently over time.  Thus, if we wish to feel safe we need to learn to connect and engage with what Siegel and Bryson refer to as the "upstairs brain," where compassion, empathy, reason and higher order thinking dwell.  While No-Drama Disciple is a book intended to help parents connect and direct their children to learn to develop their problem-solving, make good choices, and manage their feeling in a healthy way, these are not just good ideas about parenting, but good ideas for fostering any healthy relationship.  We get more of what we want (i.e. love, understanding, respect) when we focus on how to connect and engage with others.  As for control: We control our actions and our intentions.  We do not control the results.  The more we can stay in our upstairs brain, the more we can engage the upstairs brain in others.  We do not have to use aggression, which is counterproductive to the safety and connection we actually seek.

Fear and Opposite Action

Fear is a natural feeling that we all have at one time or another.  Evolutionarily speaking it was completely essential to the survival of our species.  It is primal and seeks our survival.  It kept us from being eaten by Saber Toothed Tigers.  In the present its message still is, "If you do that, you will die."  When I tell this to clients they often laugh because the extremity of the message is radically disproportionate to the situation they are dealing with.  Fortunately, most of us are not in a position on a daily basis of making decisions that will imminently lead to our death or that of another.   When we learn to separate the feeling of fear from the message of extinction, which leads us to tell ourselves "I can't (ride the subway, have a healthy relationship, stop drinking, change careers, etc.)," we are in a position to take our power and agency back.  It's not about not having the feeling of fear, it is about keeping fear as a feeling and not allowing it to direct our lives.  We can have the feeling of fear and take opposite action in the face of it.  Every time we take action even though we are afraid and do not die we change our brain by providing experience that is different from its assumption.  Thus, the assumption changes little by little and we become less fearful.   I recommend we be gentle, brave, and firm with ourselves.  If you suffer claustrophobia it is not a good idea to go to Time Square on New Year's Eve.  Choose an action that is out of your comfort zone and not extreme.  The point is to take action and live.  The more our actions are based in the choice to live fully and not be confined by fear, the freer we become.  Take the action.  Your brain will catch up.

Healthy Fantasy and Acceptance

Often I hear my clients judging themselves for wanting healthy relationships with people (parents, children, partners, friends, coworkers),  because the other person is not providing evidence that they are interested in participating in such a relationship.  This is where I encourage clients to distinguish between their healthy fantasies and how the actual person is currently able to show up for the relationship.  It is healthy and reasonable to want the people in our lives to be loving, understanding, supportive, respectful, decent, patient and kind.  I see these wants as a sign of health and sanity.  Unfortunately, not everyone in our lives is capable of participating in a healthy relationship.  Some people do not respect boundaries even when they are explicitly stated.  Some people are too narcissistic to be empathetic.  Some people are not ready to deal with their patterns of avoidance or addiction.  Don’t get me wrong, I would not be in the field of mental health if I did not believe that people can and do change.  It usually comes back to the old joke, “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? None…the light bulb has to want to change.”  The point is that it is healthy and sane to want healthy and sane relationships.  It is also important to understand that while we can set boundaries and invite people to have better relationships, it is also important to acknowledge and accept what other people are capable of.

The Power of Differentiation and the Value of Awareness

I looked up the meaning of "differentiation" and found it to be "the act of differentiating."  "Differentiating" was defined as "to form or mark differently from other such things; distinguish."  In the work I do with my clients differentiation refers to knowing what's one's stuff (emotionally) and what is another person's.  The more aware we are of our own internal processes, the more we are able to make conscious decisions and respect the essential humanity of others.  When we know how and why we are emotionally triggered, differentiation is happening on two levels:  First, we able to distinguish our feeling in the present from our feelings in the past from growing up in our family of origin.  This is our stuff.  Second, in seeing and owning our stuff we are able to see other people as real people, not as projections from our past.  This is liberating for everybody.  If we seek to have healthy relationships, differentiation is essential.  Without it we are playing out our stuff unconsciously on others.  We need not do this.  We can through therapy, recovery, and spiritual paths come to understand our inner workings.  This understanding allows us to see our emotional needs and take care of them in a healing, healthy and growthful manner.  Additionally, it creates a space to invite others to do the same

The Meaning and Importance of Pain

Gandhi stated something to the effect of, "I do not pray to stop my suffering. I pray to be worthy of it."  This may seem strange and masochistic.  My interpretation is that the meaning of pain and suffering is that something needs to change, something is out of balance.  We are creatures of habit who generally continue in our routines of thoughts and actions until they cause us so much grief that change is essential.  This is the gift of desperation that can lead to new awareness and healthier, more constructive thoughts and actions.  It seems pains and suffering is essential to the human learning process.  For this reason it makes sense to honor our pain and suffering as an invaluable teacher and not to simply seek to be rid ourselves of it or avoid it.  If pain leads to awareness and awareness leads to change, growth, and healing, it makes sense that Gandhi would pray to be worthy of participating is such a process.  In listening to our pain we can learn to understand what our needs are and how to take care of them in a way that leads to healing and growth.

It's Just Your Brain

We seem to take our brain and what it produces very personally; more so than any other organ.  I am of the belief that while we do not control our brain, we do control our intentions and our actions.  We are perceivers of our thoughts and feeling not the generators.  We do have influence over ourselves.  In being conscious of our intentions and choosing actions that are coherent with these intentions we able to create lives that have meaning and direction.  Our brains can frighten and offend us, but it is not who we are.  The more we understand the material our brain presents us with, the freer we are to build lives that make sense and are not driven by fear.  In being conscious we can learn to differentiate and not judge our brain, nor mistake what it shows us for who we are or what we are becoming.

Moving to Solutions

Being right doesn't matter.  We are all right and all doing the best we can with what we have.  In blaming and being righteous we give away our power to change and heal by staying stuck in the problem.  As a client of mine once said, "There is no problem that can't be solved if you break it down into small enough parts." Further, by focusing our energy and intentions on finding solutions we create movement which creates a space where solutions can evolve.  While we cannot control other people or the results of our actions, our power lies in our ability to consciously choose our intentions and our actions.  We need not stay stuck in the problem, nor have the same frustrating conversations repeatedly.  We can use the power we do have to seek and find solutions.

The Value of Discomfort

Often situations are not so direly painful that immediate change is necessary.   We feel discomfort.  Discomfort is very important information; it tells us we are out of our comfort zone.  This is good because it is only in pushing out of our comfort zones that we learn, heal, and grow.  Ideally the discomfort creates an awareness that challenges us to make choices and take responsibility for our lives.  We can choose the discomfort of not changing or the discomfort of changing and trying to create a life that makes sense.  The former is safe in the sense that it is familiar; the later challenges us to be honest with ourselves and those around us in new ways.  Since we are going to be uncomfortable either way it seems to make more sense to choose the discomfort that leads to healing and growth.  Either way it is important to remember that as adults we are free to choose whether we make changes in our lives or choose not to.  

New Chapters

The meaning of a new year depends on the person you ask.  To me one 0f the most powerful meanings is a new and intentional beginning.  We are largely creatures of habit that are only willing to change when we experience so much pain that we can no longer continue in the old habit.  A new year provides an opportunity to reflect on the successes and frustrations of the past year.  It is an opportunity to set our own trajectory rather waiting for pain to right the ship.  I encourage most of my clients to journal as a tool to develop awareness of their inner processes.  At the beginning of a new year I encourage everyone to think and write about their goals in terms of personal growth, spiritual and physical well being, relationships, and career.  If we have visions we can work towards them. Otherwise, in the words of Yogi Bera, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.”  You have the heart, courage, and intelligence for the journey.  Choose your path.